Last update: July 26, 2018
More and more people are relying on dating chats or social networks to start a romantic or other relationship. It is a way to meet new people now widely accepted by all, but not free from "side effects". Sometimes, in fact, it turns into a real obstacle course.
When dating chats become a source of stress, how can you avoid the "wear and tear" they often cause? We talk about it in this article.
Why are dating chats stressful and “burn out” more easily?
Dating chats are tiring and tiresome quickly because much of the courtship or acquaintance process takes place via text, which is inherently cold and impersonal.. It is not uncommon for this phase to have a sudden setback or slowdown and three demotivating phenomena or situations occur: ghosting, icing and simmering. Let's see what it is.
ghosting
The term ghosting (from the English ghost, ghost) is used to indicate that situation in which, after several encounters, one of the two suddenly disappears; becomes a ghost, does not reply to messages, blocks the other in the chat to avoid being contacted. Why does he do it? In most cases the "ghost" wants to avoid admitting that he doesn't want to continue the relationship (whatever the reason). Instead of facing the situation and saying it openly, he opts for the easier option: disappear.
icing
Icing, (frost), is used to indicate when, without a specific event, to end a relationship, meetings are postponed to a date to be defined. In this case we go through a cooling phase, postponing the effort of putting an end to it.
As in ghosting, we try to avoid clarification, letting the relationship fade away little by little. The goal is the same, to dodge an awkward situation, but instead of doing it abruptly, you gradually move away.
Simmering
Another common phenomenon in dating chats is simmering (literally to simmer). In this case the communication is intermittent, not fluid and ambiguous. In other words, the relationship exists, the messages do not undergo an interruption, but before replying, one of the two parties often allows a more or less long pause. Apparently the mutual intention is to continue to know each other, but calmly, postponing; typical of this situation is to accept a real meeting and then postpone it.
“There is always a bit of madness in love. But in madness there is always a bit of wisdom. "
-Friedrich Nietzsche-
3 strategies to prevent an online relationship from wearing out
1. Minimize uncertainty
In these situations a lot of time and energy are dedicated to trying to guess what the other person wants, what they feel. To avoid suffering, it is essential to minimize doubt: spend less time "discovering" what the other feels from clues and more time to enjoy the relationship. In the end, in a game between mature people it is better to be clear and straightforward.
When you do not understand what the other is looking for or wanting from us, it is easy in a face-to-face meeting not to be completely present with body and mind; instead of making the most of the opportunity, we try to intercept a signal to understand how far we can go with this person.
Paying attention to possible signs or focusing on your thoughts when on a date is a problem: the other person will probably perceive us as not very spontaneous or not connected. This doesn't help get the emotions flowing.
Paying attention to possible signals or concentrating on one's thoughts when on a date is a problem: the other will probably perceive us as not very spontaneous or not connected.
2. Refine the selection method
The wear and tear of online dating is often due to a poor choice upstream. Especially when you have been alone for a long time or are in a phase where you want to meet people, dating chats can offer many possibilities.. It's a quick and easy way to go out with someone. Those who seek find, it is true, but first it is better to know what we are looking for, rather than fishing in the heap.
Remember: your time is precious and above all you cannot go out with everyone at the same time. Being selective is the best way. Choose carefully who you think is best for you and start with that person.
3. Identify your own prejudices and put them aside
Prejudices are always present in everything we do, think, say and feel. Often they give rise to feelings for or against someone for the simple fact that this person activates the underlying prejudice in us (due to personal characteristics or signals it sends). Prejudice works like this, it is automatic and when something activates it, it moves us away or brings us closer to the person.
Some biases are particularly active during a date; we notice if the person looks us in the eye or not, how she dresses, if she has put on perfume, if she talks a lot or little, etc. For example, a person who looks little in the eye raises the suspicion that she is lying, when she may be just shy.
In this way, we risk observing or judging the other person through the lens of preconceptions. Put them aside, give the other and yourself a chance. Ask yourself: Is what I feel due to my previous experiences or prejudices? If so, it's never too late to change your attitude and come up with your best version.
Finally, don't forget to have fun; meeting people is a path full of challenges, surprises and new experiences. Start with a positive attitude and give the people you know a chance. Above all, pay attention to unrealistic or too pessimistic expectations: if you let yourself be dominated by them, you risk losing before you even start playing.
