Last update: July 01, 2022
Sometimes love fades. Other times there is avoidance, betrayal or bitter disappointment. In most cases, even when there is love, one is aware that it is better to end the relationship: for health, for integrity and for the good of both. Dealing with a breakup is never easy, no one has taught us how to do itHowever, managing it in the best way will allow us to move forward with greater dignity.
Let's face it, conflicts, differences and misunderstandings are inevitable in any relationship. These arise from incompatibilities and inconsistencies when the ideas that are created about the other and the relationship do not coincide. A reality that can lead, as we already know, to rupture.
However, a conflict does not necessarily lead to separation. Conflict can occur adaptively and be handled appropriately. Everyone will have happened to have overcome in the best way a problem or a disagreement with the partner to grow and strengthen the bond.
“I thought love would last forever. I was wrong."
-WH Auden-
However, in some cases there is no room for reconciliation or an agreement or a plan for the future. Breaking that emotional bond is often one of the most devastating realities we can experience.
As a study conducted at the University of Denver and published in the Journal of Family Psychology explains, the end of a story always generates anguish, a dimension that is often very complicated to manage.
The break
When two people don't share their life plan, they are unlikely to continue being together once the initial infatuation has passed. A breakup can be one of the most painful experiences to go through.
It means losing an important person, a shared space, a project and we are left with a legacy of memories that we must manage better.
Once the relationship is over, it is necessary to redefine the fundamentals. Not everyone succeeds, because the brain, emotions and thoughts are anchored to the ex. It's like a flow of negative energy that overwhelms us, an avalanche of past memories and habits that we just don't know how to get rid of.
Confusion and uncertainty often prevent us from focusing on what is most important: ourselves. We know life goes on, but accepting that we will do it without the other person is difficult.
And now?
After the breakup, what is expected and advised is to begin mourning. Going through these phases is an essential task for accepting reality, recovering hope and reorganizing one's personal and / or family life.
Mourning, let us remember, is that psychological process that allows us to adapt to losses. Sometimes it can begin even before physical separation for a more than obvious fact: we no longer receive the support of the other and his idealization fails.
That is to say, often before the couple breaks up, they weave the cloak of mourning to admit one essential thing: that we are no longer loved.
As revealed by a study conducted by psychologists David Sbarra and Jessica Borelli published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, bereavement offers numerous mental and emotional benefits. It helps to define our self-concept, to "put our broken parts together", so to speak.
Each, in his own time and in his own way, will be able to adapt to the situation and move forward, managing to overcome the breakup.
For most of us, grief is a complex process, but for others it is extremely difficult. There are people who are unable to adapt to the new situation and become trapped in pain and anger, trying to eliminate the ex from their day life. If the pain freezes, the separation becomes destructive, stagnant and prolonged.
Tips for dealing with a breakup of a couple
How to overcome the breakup of a relationship? It is not easy, but it is possible to do it. Here are some tips that can help.
Accept the breakup as soon as possible
Accept what happened without resentment, anger or block. In this way the emotions will be less intense and bearable every day and will allow you to create new routines.
It is essential to close that chapter, re-establish the expectations placed on the previous relationship, give meaning to what has been experienced and readjust what is expected.
Never get stuck in the past. The obsessive search for "possible hidden reasons" why the other person has ended the relationship or clinging to what they once was can prolong and complicate the bereavement.
Another fundamental step: yes must start a new relationship without having first overcome the bereavement. If this were the case, the outstanding issues would be reflected on the new partner.
Seeking constructive separation
How the breakup is handled will affect everyone involved, especially if there are children. It is important to assume your responsibilities and role in this new phase, to manifest and express pain, to set clear boundaries and to prevent third party involvement.
We stop being a couple, but not a parent. Likewise, children should not be involved in the conflict, as this could cause deep and permanent damage.
Destructive separation must always be avoided. It is important to put aside the desire to win and look for the blame.
Live every stage
Even if you want, it will not be possible to recover stability and happiness overnight. Suffering, emptiness, the experience of pain and crying are essential realities to overcome what happened.
It is important to experience every phase of grief, express the emotions felt and let them take their course, do not force the “nothing happens” or “I don't care” when the wound is still open.
Although it is important to welcome the pain, it is forbidden to prolong it in excess. Once the time comes, we need to recover and reinvent new routines. Try to take advantage of the situation, as it can be an opportunity to resume or start rewarding activities that were difficult to pursue with the ex.
It is a good time to dedicate yourself, take care of yourself and dedicate yourself to what you love. In particular, it is essential to take care of self-esteem.
Dealing with a breakup: don't go back
Dealing with a breakup is painful and can lead to desperate wanting to resume the relationship, even if it's not the most favorable option. Being a moment of vulnerability, it is better to wait before making decisions.
It may be useful and necessary to seek professional help through family therapy or mediation. Getting closer to loved ones, friends and important people who always want the best for us and who know how to help us.
Last but not least, learn from this new stage. Although the fear of loneliness is very common and shared after a breakup, it is an experience that teaches and grows.
Advance, therefore, without anguish, go through this new vital stage with confidence, rediscovering self-love and hope for a better future, according to your dreams and desires.
