Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Depression isn't that simple. It's not like a cold or a broken leg. It is not something that can be relieved with a "I love you", nor with a pill. This disorder is cruel and consumes, fills our mind with anxiety, frustrates us, angers us and makes us prefer isolation. Such a situation is also very difficult for those around us. On the other hand, if ours is one depression doesn't happen from the partner it can become a much more difficult reality to bear.
In most cases it is a condition that goes unnoticed. Depression has a direct impact on the partner and, consequently, on the rest of the family as well. The real difficulty, however, does not consist in admitting the presence of this disease or disorder. The problem with depression does not happen lies in the inability to adequately understand and cope with this condition.
Invisible wounds
The love we feel for our partner is not enough, nor is our willpower. Often we find ourselves facing certain situations for which we are not emotionally prepared.
For example, seeing that the partner prefers solitude to our company and that he refuses physical contact. Or perhaps, without even knowing why, she has stopped taking an interest in our daily concerns and dynamics to turn into a blurry shadow that even neglects itself.
"There are wounds that are not seen in the body, which are deeper and more painful than any blow and that not even our loved ones can feel."
-Laurell K. Hamilton-
When we are prisoners of a psychological disorder, life loses its order, its meaning and its logic. Depression not understood by the partner, who presses and judges, will require a much longer healing process.
Depression does not happen to the partner: costs and suffering
Depression is like an elephant in a glassware store, it destroys everything. It is like a black hole that swallows everything to take it to another dimension where reality is contained in a shapeless nothing. No one has prepared us to understand the processes by which the mind acts as our bitter enemy.
If this condition is difficult for those who suffer from it themselves, it is also difficult for the partner, who feels a sense of loss. The sick person stops being available in almost every respect. The symptoms of this condition contradict the very essence of any happy relationship: there is no emotional or sexual desire, there is no interest and much less pleasure.
On the other hand, depression not understood by the partner will generate feelings of guilt. "Do you feel this way about something I did?" Personalizing and taking responsibility for a disorder suffered by a loved one is as recurring as it is wrong.
We remember that in most cases there is no clear origin. Despite this, it is common to think that you are the reason for the suffering of your partner, a belief that does not allow you to offer the right support.
There are two common mistakes when your partner suffers from depression. The first is to blame yourself for the disorder. The second is to personalize the symptoms. If the other person prefers to sleep all day rather than go out for a walk with us, it doesn't mean that she loves us less. It means that he is unable to get up, that he suffers the weight of anguish and that his mind is more powerful than his will than him. We cannot afford to feel frustrated seeing that our partner does not respond to our requests, advice or attempts.
How to help the partner suffering from depression?
Before discussing in detail the advice to help the partner suffering from depression, it is worthwhile to dwell on one aspect. A depression that does not happen to the partner, who makes the mistake of blaming us for our condition, shows a big gap. In addition to the presence of this psychological condition, there is the lack of maturity and the inability to manage an obstacle in the relationship.
A meaningful and healthy emotional bond is capable of overcoming any problem. Whether large or small, it has its roots in economic, personal, emotional and health factors. We need to understand that the partner suffering from depression has not lost their ability to love us. Instead, he has lost the ability to love himself. It is precisely at this moment that he needs us more than ever. If we are not there or are unable to understand, we could generate devastating effects.
When the partner does not understand our depression, we must provide him to succeed. But if he does not have the will to do it and we feel threatened and in a greater state of discomfort, we will have to make a decision. The best for ourselves.
Effective strategies
It is vital that you take into account the following strategies to proceed with greater success and tact.
- Educating us about depression. An effective solution is to be part of our partner's intervention and healing process. Taking part in therapy together and letting the experts inform us about the type of depression you are suffering from will be of great help. We may also ask for further advice.
- Don't force, don't force, don't fixate on goals. Depression takes time, has ups and downs, and never responds positively to pressure and ultimatums. The healing process is the sole responsibility of the sufferer and we must respect their times without demanding goals.
- Accompany and give space; sometimes mere presence is worth more than words. Don't despair if your partner pulls back and decides not to go out with you for a walk. If he decides to stay in bed, don't blame him. Remind him that you are there if he needs it. Do not judge and even if it is difficult for you, be a constant presence that knows how to silently support.
- Sharing the responsibilities. The depressed person's only obligation is to heal. For our part, it is essential not to neglect our life, our work and those dimensions that safeguard our emotional balance. Everyone will have the responsibilities of him and ours as a partner is to take care of our well-being to give the best to this person who needs us.
Emotional intelligence
If you are the victim of a depression that is not understood by your partner, who does not show any kind of willingness to support you during this process, the best thing is to make a positive decision for you. It will not be easy, but if your goal is to heal, you have to get out of this harsh and harmful environment.
On the other hand, you must make an effort not to refuse the support offered by your loved ones. Try to redirect them if help doesn't come the way you want. Having a loving partner who is willing to help is a very powerful force that you can use in your favor. So, with a little bit of emotional intelligence, you can get out of this black hole.
