When dealing with difficult people, conserving energy is essential. This means not losing our temper, having a good dose of self-esteem and controlling our emotions so that we don't get carried away by anger or frustration.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Discussions, criticisms, blackmail, negativity ... when dealing with difficult people our mental health is always at risk. It is not always possible to keep a safe distance from them or to convince them to behave in any other way. So what can we do if we find ourselves in front of this type of people in everyday life, whether it is a colleague or a family member?
The most important thing is self-care. Sometimes we focus too much on our self-defense by raising walls and studying strategies of attack or mere survival, to the point of forgetting the essential: our well-being. When we neglect ourselves, our mental energies are consumed much faster and we find ourselves unprotected.
Some sociologists including Shira Offer, of Bar-Ilan University in Israel, they show us that a good part of those people we call "difficult" are much closer to us than we think. We could all have very demanding children, parents or siblings.
Clearly, all of us would like relationships to be always simple and our daily life to be peaceful. Yet, it is not always possible. The important thing is not to resign yourself to suffering. There are strategies that start from a fundamental premise: to learn from ourselves.
"Many of the things others say or do annoy us because they don't match our expectations."
-Buddha-
What to do when dealing with difficult people
Difficult people can highlight the complexity of their character in several ways. Sometimes they argue about anything, others avoid taking responsibility and decide not to cooperate on anything. Sometimes they spread gossip and others live in a heavy cloud of negativity. Beyond their personality and how they decide to behave, the main aspect is how much their attitudes affect our attitude.
In fact, there are those who do not care at all about that hyper-perfectionist work colleague, whom instead we always try to avoid. Each of us has a limit and a different way of managing human complexity. Before focusing on others, we must therefore ask ourselves what exactly bothers us about the other person. Is it his disrespect? His attitude than him or the fact that he is better than us at something?
On this very topic, Dr. Shira Offer conducted a study to prove various data. The first is that when we relate to difficult people, we experience high levels of stress. Little by little, we develop a real annoyance towards them; Sometimes we are not even aware of what exactly is bothering us, as we are too busy avoiding them rather than understanding it. The problem is that, sometimes, it is not always possible to escape. There are occasions when we are forced to work or share certain moments with someone.
Self-care and "second-hand" stress
Researchers Howard Friedman and Ronald Riggio of the University of California conducted a study addressing the impact of so-called secondary stress. But what does secondary stress mean and how does it intervene in the relationship with difficult people? We find out immediately. When we are forced to live with complicated, adverse, critical or demanding people, their behavior almost always ends up affecting us.
The simple fact of observing a stressed person, be it a negative, critical or grumpy colleague or family member, ends up breaking through our nervous system. The stress that comes to us starting from others is called secondary stress.
Consequently, when we try to relate to difficult people it is essential to take care of ourselves. This daily exercise is equivalent to strengthening a mental muscle capable of acting as a barrier against these behaviors. Among the practices we should devote time and effort to, we find the following:
- Give us some time to rest and in which not to think about these difficult people.
- Learn stress management techniques: deep breathing, Jacobson's progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness ...
Self-care to remember who deserves your attention and who doesn't
Events affect us to the extent that we allow them to affect us. This phrase contains a lot of wisdom, even if it is undoubtedly not always easy to apply it to our immediate reality. It would be great if certain events affected us less than they actually do, but when difficult people undermine our rights and freedoms, maintaining control is very complicated.
Even in these situations, however, taking care of yourself is the best solution. Because well-being also involves remembering to have to set limits, to know how to protect and defend themselves when necessary. Well-being is, in turn, knowing how to control one's emotions; give importance to what truly deserves attention and stop giving it to what does not deserve it.
Having a clear awareness of ourselves, remembering our values ​​and needs, knowing how to remain calm and developing the appropriate emotional intelligence skills can help us to better manage a series of often frustrating situations.
At bottom, we all have difficult and complicated people in our lives; learning to manage our relationship with them properly is essential.
