Forgiveness is a difficult step to take. The value of forgiveness is incalculable, as much as the damage that society or a group that tries to impose it can cause, almost like an obligation.
Last update: 27 March, 2020
Forgiveness is not an easy challenge, and it becomes more complicated the closer the people who have hurt us are and the deeper the damage done. Today we wish to go a little deeper into the subject for understand if it is necessary to forgive to heal.
In fact, as far as we can follow strategies or guidelines, there is no universal method to heal wounds. Neither those that we cause, nor those suffered by others. On the other hand, in the same context, we find pain: sometimes so intense that it prevents us from advancing towards the path of forgiveness or the reconstruction of our skin.
What does it mean to forgive?
If we stick to the more exact meaning of the word "forgive", referring to the Treccani dictionary, this act is defined as "Do not take into consideration the evil received from others, renouncing intentions of revenge, punishment, any possible revenge ".
If we go beyond semantics, we will see that each culture conceives a different form of forgiveness. Even every single individual, also depending on the stage of life he is experiencing, can attribute different meanings to the term.
This action it is commonly associated with a form of relief for both parties; it can even take on a therapeutic connotation. Many of the people who can forgive have defined it as a release from a huge burden.
Forgiving to heal as an obligation
In some societies or groups the idea is projected that forgiveness is a virtue and that, given its qualities, it should be almost a duty. The fact that in some contexts a kind of imposition of forgiveness is instituted causes individuals to reject it, hindering its natural process. The false projection of forgiveness ends up becoming an obstacle to giving, receiving or achieving forgiveness.
If we think of situations that are difficult to process, such as violence, we will be able to better understand why it can be so difficult to forgive. When an abused person feels compelled to forgive, she may even feel guilty if she fails to do so.
Forgiveness therefore becomes an obstacle to healing, leading to the prolongation of pain over time. We should therefore reconsider when forgiveness is appropriate.
Sometimes forgiveness is associated with forgetting a wrong. When we try to do this, we can cause further damage. For this reason, there are those who believe that forgiveness goes far beyond forgetting, that it consists in getting rid of a burden so as not to harm oneself, eliminating resentment, but remembering the wrong suffered.
Forgiving to heal as a choice
If, on the contrary, we come to forgiveness after a sincere choice, here we will find healing, even in those situations where it would seem impossible to us.
How to do it? Forgiveness must be seen as an act of liberation, not just of reconciliation. We can let go of resentment or anger, or express it, feeling that we forgive what happened, but visualize it as a life lesson. If instead we look at it as an act of reconciliation, it will be more complex to apply it in every situation.
We have the right to take as long as necessary to forgive, or even to heal without having forgiven. Healing doesn't necessarily go through forgiveness. Resilience, for example, helps us to impose ourselves on situations that generate great pain in us.
Well, some books can help us work on forgiveness or fully understand the meaning of this term. An example is The Seven Steps of Forgiveness by Daniel Lumera, which shows us the true meaning of forgiveness.
When forgiveness is unbearable, then we can give new meaning to our experiences, give them a sense that is healthier for us. By doing so, we encourage learning and we will stay in tune with ourselves, without having to force the impossible.
In other words, healing by forgiving is a matter for each individual, depending on the perception we have of forgiveness, the beliefs associated with it in our culture and society in which we live, our learning and so on. If the steps to climb lead us to our well-being, go on!
