Last update: January 08, 2016
Everyday language shows that we are full of formulas and expressions to blame others for what we feel or do.
"You get on my nerves!" is one of the most frequent or even "that person fills me with negative energy". They are very common expressions and both contain two great sophisms.
How can others be responsible for your anger? You are perhaps their puppets, their slaves or tools? How is it possible for your emotional world to cancel itself out in the face of the possible influences of other people?
One of the traits that define an adult person is precisely that of knowing how to take responsibility for one's emotions and actions.
The others: a pretext
However limiting the circumstances, there is always a margin of freedom within which to act. Even if they point a gun to our head and intimidate us into doing something, we still have the choice to give in or not to..
Let's leave these extreme examples aside, everyday life allows us to choose between numerous possibilities. And, of course, in relationships with other people it is possible to behave in different ways.
"To fight, you need two people," says popular wisdom. And it is really true. When faced with aggression, the alternative is to hold on to, ignore or understand it.
The same goes for sadness, fear and the whole range of emotions: they do not depend on others, but on each of us..
It is not true that if others do or stop doing something, then we will be able to find the balance. It is not true that if others change, then we change too.
What happens is that sometimes we don't want to take responsibility for what we feel. And it is then that others become a pretext to justify our lack of self-control or the inability to take charge of who we are.
That's why we construct erroneous explanations of what happens to us: "if she weren't so passive, I'd be better off". "If he were more affectionate, I could stop feeling sad." These translated complaints mean: the control and management of what I feel is in the hands of others.
We are not even islands
The influence of other people on our emotions comes down to a contribution. They facilitate or inhibit certain feelings, moods and attitudes. But in no case do they determine them.
If in the presence of a particular person we feel more irritable or sadder, the most obvious thing would be to move away from her / him. However, it's not that simple.
We humans are full of contradictions. When we are more likely to get angry with someone, that same person brings a special dynamism to our life or plans inviting challenges..
We do not live in a way divided between the "good" and the "bad", "healthy" or "sick". We all have a little bit of everything. We may go through times when we feel contentment in tormenting someone or we make ourselves unbearable because we always complain about our misfortunes.
There is no ideal world where everyone behaves flawlessly or where everyone surrounds themselves only with people who maintain a certain emotional balance.
What we can do is work on ourselves to eliminate that mental device that leads us to lies, that is, think that our feelings depend on others, that it is not our responsibility to work on our negative emotions, but that it is up to others to do it.
If we can get out of this logic, we will realize that everything is simpler. And that sooner or later situations will change. We will get to know each other better and perhaps we will discover that until now we have tormented ourselves with situations that really weren't worth it.
Then, we will be better prepared to hierarchize conflicts. Our ability to give due weight to the problems that really deserve it will increase and to put aside all those pretexts that prevent us from moving forward.
Images courtesy of Saltatempo.
