Alexithymic people also fall in love, but they don't know how to love. For this reason, coldness, loneliness, and that emotional emptiness in which words, looks and all essential emotional nourishment are lacking in their emotional relationships.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Having an alexithymic partner can cause great suffering, given that in these emotional bonds empathy tends to be the great absentee and emotional coldness the protagonist. It is common for one of the partners to lack that genuine connection with which to confirm feelings, with which to build authentic intimacy through the words they nurture and those complicit gestures in which emotions dance.
Loneliness, uncertainty, misunderstanding… These and others are the feelings experienced by people who share their life with an alexithymic. Now, we cannot put aside the reality of those who suffer from this psychological condition which many define as a neurological disorder and others as a psychological disorder with social conditioning.
However, there is an irrefutable fact: the alexithymic loves, falls in love, perceives, has feelings, is happy, gets excited and suffers like anyone else. However - and this is where the real problem lies - he is unable to express what he feels, moreover he does not even interpret the emotional codes of those around him.
If from a social point of view this aspect involves more than one limit, on an affective level alexithymia is highly problematic. As a study conducted by the University of Missouri-Columbia led by Dr. Nestor Fry-Cox reveals, alexithymia could be at the root of much of the end of love stories.
To this data we must add another, ed is the estimate according to which almost 10% of the population could suffer from this emotional communication deficit, quite common in the male gender.
The word alexithymia derives from the Greek and literally means "the absence of words to express emotions or feelings".
What does it mean to live in emotional coldness?
Living with an alexithymic partner involves real wear and tear. It is, in the first place, because often neither of the two is aware of the fact that in that relationship there is a third wheel: the psychological disorder itself or the neurological alteration.
We name the latter because to date professionals still do not agree on the subject and also because there are many people who do not know what their emotional coldness, their inability to express and understand emotions is due to.
In 1972, psychiatrist Peter Sifneos first described this condition. Since then, we have known that alexithymia could be related to an alteration of the limbic system. We also know that it has nothing to do with the psychopathic personality, that is: the alexithymic has feelings, but he does not know how to interpret his own emotions or those of others.
All this means that the following realities are experienced on an emotional and relational level.
Inability to express what it feels like
The alexithymic partner will never tell us if he is angry, happy, excited or worried. For these people, any perceived emotion is a mystery; it is nothing more than a set of physiological experiences in which tension is encountered, restlessness, stomach pain and so on. He won't be able to express how he feels because he doesn't know what's going on inside him. He can't name emotions despite feeling them.
Such a thing involves, for example, not knowing how to manage anger. The person in question cannot even convey love, admiration and the most basic emotional elements in a relationship.
Not understanding what the partner feels
Those dominated by emotional coldness are unable to recognize the emotions of others. He will not understand, for example, why the partner feels hurt by certain behaviors. He will not even be able to understand why the other is not happy, what he needs, what makes him sad, why he changes his mood ...
If at some point the partner asks for an intimate conversation, the subject in question will feel not up to par. Having to investigate certain issues, in such emotional conditions, makes the alexithymic uncomfortable. It is an aspect that he cannot manage, that he does not see, that he does not understand.
At the same time, the communicative style of the alexithymic is also very interesting. He does not like reflections, double meanings, poetic, ironic or romantic language. It always focuses on what is very logical, concrete and literal. For this reason, communication with him is always very rigid and, above all, as difficult as it is frustrating.
My partner is alexithymic, what can I do?
Living together, planning for the future, solving problems or even reaching simple agreements with the alexithymic person can be very complicated. It must be borne in mind that our entire social fabric is built on emotions. So what can we do in these cases?
Whether we are the partner or the person with alexithymia, we must understand an important aspect, and that is often this condition is accompanied by other ailments. It is not uncommon, for example, for latent depression, a stress disorder, to be present, but still alexithymia is present in people with Asperger's.
Either way, proper diagnosis is needed. This condition falls within a spectrum. That is to say that there will be those who suffer from it more intensely and those who instead show only some traits of it. For this reason, it is always good to contact a specialist and intervene on some of these aspects.
Emotional coldness: aspects to take into consideration
We must consider that the alexithymic person has feelings, but does not know how to express them. Consequentially, it is good to elaborate some basic codes through which to express affection. The looks, the caresses and the physical contact are a good point of reference in which to find confirmation in everyday life.
- It is essential that the alexithymic can count on psychological support. It's the only way the relationship can stand. This condition has no cure: we work on it so that the patient finds the mechanisms and skills to improve their empathy, their communication and emotional expression.
- The areas that are worked on during therapy with the alexithymic patient are stimulation and emotional identification, empathy, social skills, emotional communication and the reduction of anxiety and stress.
Finally, we must consider that not everyone responds well to therapy. Many alexithymics are reluctant to accept help from a specialist because they think the problem lies with others. According to some of these people, it is the partners who manifest a problem with their emotions; they are too intense, irrational and incomprehensible to them.
In these cases, the best option is your own well-being. Safeguarding integrity and avoiding unnecessary suffering will always be the best answer if we see no desire to change by the alexithymic.
