Emotional debt arises when in a relationship we grant something that is important to us. Something that requires sacrifice or effort.
Last update: December 14, 2018
We all know what a cash debt is, a payment commitment between two people. We are less aware, however, of the debts present in relationships, especially when we are talking about a couple. Is called emotional debt and, perhaps, today you will discover that you have contracted one that is awaiting termination.
Emotional debt arises when in a relationship we grant something that is important to us. Something that requires sacrifice or effort. However, he is not disinterested, because with this gesture of valor we expect to be rewarded by the partner. The danger is to take out a debt that the counterparty is unaware of.
The trap of emotional debts
Emotional debts hide a trap that we are not always aware of. It is the habit of not speaking clearly, the lack of sincere communication in the relationship. Instead of letting the partner understand the effort involved in accepting a certain unpleasant situation, we give up and remain silent.
In this way, a silent debt is generated which the other is not aware of and which, therefore, will never pay. What are the consequences? The recriminations, anger and other emotions begin which are nothing more than an expression of what we are enduring, of what we do not like and for which we demand a refund.
Let's imagine, for example, that our partner is offered an unmissable job opportunity in another country. We decide to leave our job to follow it, hoping to start a better life. Over time, however, we see that things do not go as we had hoped. We begin to complain to our partner that we have not realized in work or that because of him we are far from our family.
What we will blame the most will be that we sacrificed ourselves for his professional growth, that he gave up everything. The recriminations will be constant, because we expect the other to reward our sacrifice. Do we realize, however, that when we have chosen, we have also entered into an emotional debt, that we have fallen into a trap?
There is a subtle difference between doing something voluntarily, even if it involves sacrifices, and doing it expecting to receive something in return.
Emotional debt or emotional blackmail?
Emotional debts can arise in the couple, in friendship or between family members. Sometimes they can become emotional blackmail. We demand what we believe we deserve, we sacrifice ourselves to be able to ask, we give without limits and then demand and seek compensations that seem to never end.
There is constant giving and receiving in every relationship, however this is not what is meant by emotional debt.
This debt is contracted with the prospect of showing the person next to us how important it is to us and, at the same time, to receive the same demonstration. We believe we have control that we do not actually have. This is where the blackmail begins.
The question is: can it be avoided?
Sure. To begin with, you need to be clear from the start, however calculating it may seem. We must make manifest to the other person what we expect in exchange for our sacrifice. If we immediately realize that we will not receive even a quarter of what we think we deserve, it is better not to start at all.
It is equally important to keep our eyes open and be aware of the sacrifices the other person may be making for us. Finally, clarify what we are not willing to tolerate and the claims we cannot accept in exchange for what the partner will do for us.
"Without good communication it is easy to fall into emotional debt"
Most of us have entered into some emotional debt unconsciously. Debts that wear down our relationships, cause painful breakups and avoidable enmities. How about starting to pay off all your debts and learning not to get new ones?
