Emotional distance always hurts, even more so if either party continues to believe in that relationship.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
When relationships cool and it is created emotional distance, we must be consistent. Sometimes it will be necessary to rekindle the relationship, other times we have to let go out of respect and common sense towards our feelings.
When relationships cool, the most reprehensible behaviors often emerge. The emotional distance in some cases leads to disappear without giving any explanation. Others, on the other hand, resort to false excuses or do not want to accept the emptiness of the relationship, that cold brought about by a couple or friendship relationship that is about to come to an end.
Relationships, like bones, also break down. However, most of these breaks or distances don't happen abruptly and suddenly. Most sometimes, it is the consequence of a subtle and progressive distancing. The lack of complicity, the looks that are no longer sought and the laughter no longer shared are usually the first signs.
Emotional distance always hurts, even more so if either party continues to believe in that relationship. But it must be said that, often, the other party also suffers from an accumulation of guilt or remorse. In any case, in all of these situations something is evident: our poor ability to manage breakdowns.
A right solution always facilitates the transition to this new stage. Otherwise, especially if we are forced to face the so-called ghosting (being abandoned abruptly and without explanation), we may find it a bit difficult to overcome this experience. However, each of us has the necessary resources to deal with these events.
"I feel so alone that I can feel the distance between me and my presence."
- Fernando Pessoa -
When we look for an explanation for emotional distance
When relationships get cold, there's always a reason, even if we don't like it. Broken hearts, lack of interest, new needs and interests, opposing views on certain aspects, etc. When the flame goes out, that thick and ambiguous darkness always appears in which we do not know very well how to move.
Thus, a study published by Charlene Belu and Brenda H. Lee of the University of Cambridge shows that few things are as complex for a human being as ending a relationship. The study also showed that we often need to know or clarify why it's over in order to put our life back together.
If not, people do not hesitate to try to reconnect, to insist again and again making it difficult to process the pain and the opportunity to close a stage to begin a new one with more integrity. On the other hand, the researchers in this work could see the less adequate strategies we use when relationships cool down.
They are the following.
Negative ways of ending a relationship
It is painful and inappropriate to face the end of a relationship by disappearing without saying anything. Ghosting is, nowadays, a recurring practice in both couple and friendship relationships.
- The fault is not yours, it is "mine". With this well-known and frequent phrase we choose to relieve the other person of any (alleged) responsibility, and we use excuses such as "you deserve better", "it's too difficult and I think I'm not giving you what you deserve". It's a way to hide a simple truth: our interests are others, we don't love the other person anymore.
- The broken iceberg. Another very common strategy is that of the iceberg. It is simply about letting the relationship cool down every day, denying the evidence, delaying until, eventually, the already cold relationship ends up sinking and breaking by itself.
The emotional distance, this heavy dilemma
When relationships cool, they don't always reflect the prelude to an irreparable breakup. It must be understood that emotional distance can lead to drift over a period of time but, sometimes, if we are able to resort to appropriate strategies, the warmth and sparkle can return to the relationship (in case it deserves to be saved).
In these cases they are common anxiety and depression disorders. These states directly affect the quality of social relations. When a person goes through a period of stress or discomfort, he doesn't have enough energy and motivation to enjoy loved ones.
With this we want to underline a very simple aspect. Emotional distance can be addressed. Relationships, like people, go through different stages and require attention, new nutrients and even learning from one's conflicts and discrepancies to grow, move forward transformed into something new and stronger.
In any case, both to revive the relationship and save it as well as to end it, we must be emotionally experienced people. And this subject is not taught in school. We must practice it day by day in small things, in the most sensitive aspects, in respect, in the exercise of dignity and positivity.
Because every relationship, both as a couple and as a friendship, deserves to be respected in all its phases. Knowing how to let go with integrity and respect says a lot about our human quality.
