Engaging in a relationship mostly means maintaining security and control within the relationship.
Last update: 06 March, 2019
Affective relationships play a very important role in our lives, be they family, friendship or couple. The latter, in particular, are often considered essential for our well-being. They are based on love, but what is this feeling really? And what does it mean to engage in an emotional relationship?
The fundamental characteristics of love have been extensively analyzed and described in the literature. We generally distinguish passion, trust and commitment, all equally important for optimal relationship development. These aspects are a priority for all those who want to build a relationship as a couple.
In this article we will focus on the role of commitment, the most complicated of the three components of love. Normally, this is regarded as a positive factor, but to what extent is this so?
To understand if engaging in an emotional relationship is really positive, it is first necessary to distinguish it from the other components of love. Let's see together what it is.
What is commitment?
Commitment from two people involved in a relationship is their willingness to stay together. All relationships require some degree of commitment, but they are not the same. Let's think about the relationship with a family member, friend or partner. Generally, in a love relationship the commitment required is greater than in a friendship relationship.
In simple terms, the commitment is a kind of social contract that both parties accept. Declaring oneself "friends", "boyfriends" or "husband and wife" means that the contract is signed. The problem is that, in general, the clauses of this contract are not explicitly stated by the two parties, but depend on what society thinks a couple should respect.
Engaging in a relationship mostly means maintaining security and control within the relationship. In the presence of the aforementioned social contract, we have a range of expectations about how the other person should behave. In this way, we can anticipate certain situations and act accordingly.
At the level of evolutionary adaptation, maintaining control and security in relationships is a useful factor from several points of view. For example, in the case of couples, having a relationship based on commitment helps to raise and educate children correctly, since they are born totally helpless and need constant parental care. Tracing the history of humanity, in fact, if a child was not cared for by adults, his chances of survival were minimal.
Engage in a loving relationship today
What does commitment represent today? It involves several behaviors, including:
- Don't be unfaithful: infidelity in many cases is seen as a reason to end a couple relationship.
- Intention to carry on the relationship: if one of the two partners thinks of leaving the other shortly, the relationship is not based on commitment.
Is engaging in a relationship good or bad?
If we look closely at the people around us, we find that many of them have toxic relationships. One possible explanation is that the commitment they don't want to give up is the source of most of the problems. In theory, the difficulties depend on three factors inherent to the commitment itself:
- The implicit social contract
- The expectations that come with it
- Control over the partner
Let's see these aspects in detail.
Implicit social contract
In speaking of an implicit social contract, we refer to the non-explicit conditions that a couple should respect. In many cases, people involved in a relationship do not clearly say what they expect from the partner. In reverse, they begin the relationship with a number of ideas in mind about how everyone "should" behave.
In this way, each individual interprets the implications of the couple's commitment in a different way. One partner has his own idea of ​​a relationship, the other has another completely distinct one. It is therefore easy for problems and conflicts related to an initial misunderstanding to arise.
Social expectations
Another key aspect linked to the previous one is social expectations. When we are busy with a person, we have a number of ideas about how they should behave to please us. The problem arises when this person does not meet our expectations and as a result we feel cheated.
In general, individuals involved in a relationship try to meet their partner's expectations, in some cases even at the cost of their own needs. This way of acting it triggers a feeling of alienation and lack of freedom.
You need control
Finally, commitment in a relationship can trigger a certain need to control the partner, linked to the desire for security in the couple. The problem is that control can generate emotional dependence and therefore cause the other person to feel bored and alienated.
Let us not forget that autonomy is a vital need of the human being: we cannot expect others to act according to our criteria. A relationship based on subordination towards the partner totally puts an end to this feeling of freedom. In general, it will only cause discontent and unhappiness for both of you.
Conclusions
Commitment doesn't stop being a mere agreement between the parties involved in a relationship. While it is a very important factor, it must not become the top priority: if taken to the extreme, it can cause more harm than good.
Most commitment issues are resolved if we explicitly clarify what we expect from the other person. On the other hand, it is also necessary to learn to let the partner free. These two skills are essential for a stable and happy relationship.
