Last update: October 24, 2016
I'd like to tell you everything I've never told you, assuming I would always have the time to do it, the time to tell you how proud I am of you.
I thought that by repeating to you too many times how important you were to me, the words would lose their value. But now I can only think that even if you forget everything, even your name, I will never forget what you did for me, Mom.
I can't stop thinking about how many words and moments we have wasted instead of telling each other what we felt. The weather is capricious and now that Alzheimer's is taking your memories away and making you forget who you are, I am realizing the value we place on those we lose and how much we are unable to enjoy their presence when we have the chance.
"We die in the words we cannot pronounce, we die in the sadness of those who forgive life by waiting for it"
-Gustavo Martin Garzo-
While I have to admit that taking care of you was much more difficult than expected, I don't regret a single moment dedicated to you, just like you did when you raised me. I am as I am thanks to you, to your efforts and, for this reason, I had promised myself to take care of you until your last breath.
A small burst of light in the dark
At first it was difficult to accept the way the disease was transforming you. I saw you wither, I saw your mind becoming more and more tangled, your memories more blurred each time and a future to come even more painful. Alzheimer's is much stronger than you, and we have to get used to living under its shadow.
It is customary to say that it is the patient who does not recognize family members but, in this case, it was I who had difficulty recognizing you. Every day that passed your gaze was more and more absent, like a reflect the emptiness that made its way into your head, filling it with oblivion.
It's hard to see how you get worse day after day, how you stop talking to me, giving me advice and even scolding me. I would give anything for another discussion, for another hug, for another look, for another piece of that little universe we shared and that will never come back.
I still remember how you found the strength to overcome difficulties without stepping on anyone's toes along the way, how you fought with all your strength to make me miss nothing despite not having much and how you taught me that family is the most important value in life because, whatever happened, it would always be you and me.
So you were: strong, courageous, fighter and brilliant. You were love and life. And now you are forgetfulness, weakness and emptiness. But you always remain my mom, you are yourself and nothing at the same time. Whatever happens to me it will always be you, and every ray of light that even for a moment takes you away from that darkness that Alzheimer's has forced you into reminds me that even in difficulties every single moment spent next to you will be worthwhile. to be lived.
Even if you forget me, I will keep you forever in my heart
I'm not ready to see your light stop shining and say goodbye forever. I am not ready to see you forget who we are, what we have been or future plans that we will never have time to do. I am not ready to let go of your hand on the path of life, because without you there will be no one ready to lift me up when I fall.
Goodbyes are said to be tough, but no one ever talks about how difficult it is to say goodbye to loved ones who are still alive, but who have stopped being themselves, when oblivion has taken over them, over their essence. Even if they continue to live, they are no longer the same people.
But if there is something I can still do for you, even if it is no longer you, is to shake your hand strongly so that you do not feel alone, accompanying you in your last days. So that you receive the affection you deserve, because, even if you forget me, I will keep you forever in my heart.
