Last update: May 13, 2015
Time spent with exes must be an experience, it must help us to know ourselves, to know our virtues, but also our defects, to know how to behave in the future, to learn from our mistakes and those of others. All of this will help us find true love, which apparently really exists.
The problem arises, or rather manifests itself, when the affection is still strong and the bond with one's ex continues to be intense. Exes can leave their mark on us positively or negatively. It all depends on the intensity of the relationship more than on the days counted on the calendar. There are a lot of couples who have been together for just one year and have lived through it more intensely than others who have been together for 10 years. On the other hand, the plans made together with the ex partner and the expectations placed on the other person may be responsible for our behavior with the following partner or with ourselves. This means that if we have trusted a lot and been betrayed, it will probably be difficult for us to "put our hand in the fire" for someone for some time.
The exes: a threatening presence
Some of our exes continue to be present both emotionally and physically even after some time. Others, on the other hand, get lost, we don't think about them for a long time and then they reappear surprisingly, due to some memory, perhaps because we pass in a place where we went with our partner, or because we hear his name being pronounced ...
Even if a relationship has ended well, exes (and this must be accepted) leave their mark, sometimes deep, other times more superficial, but they always leave it. However, they allow us to discover and see some important aspects of ourselves. Even though you have 20 exes, each of them has left something behind. The point is that when we seek love, there is a common denominator that does not speak of the other, but of ourselves. Talk about our unconscious needs, our traumas, our expectations, etc. These are the words of Dr. Patricia Sepúlveda Sanhueza, a psychologist and expert in couples therapy.
We may believe our exes are the exact opposite of us, but that's not the case. A partner considers the opportunity to learn from us, from sex to relationships, from what we can offer to others. So why are some exes more important than others? The expert replies that this is due to the expectations we place in the partner, that is, the more projects we have done with that person, the greater the wound will be.
In turn, ex-boyfriends are different from ex-spouses, since the emotional compromise in this case is greater. In this type of relationship more moments are shared and at the same time no more goals are achieved. Engagement, on the other hand, is training for marriage, an important part of human existence. The sign that is left in these cases is even greater, because it is often a common child.
Being happy: an unconscious agreement
The fact of choosing and subsequently establishing emotional bonds with a partner in order to be happy implies a certain degree of maturity and self-knowledge. It may have been only 2 months since the engagement, but if someone has taken charge of our happiness unconditionally, when the relationship ends, the emptiness that will follow will be immense.
The formation and combination of couples, it is demonstrated, takes place unconsciously. A clear example is that of the woman in love and the successful man; one helps with admiration and the other with protection and providing for the needs of the partner. Many separations occur precisely because the tacit agreement between the two parties changes, on the part of one or both. If the couple does not resist and are unable to make a new "contract", the most likely thing will be that they will become unhappy and subsequently break up. Many couples try to recover the situation when it is already too damaged to be recovered.
Even if it is often believed to the contrary, the separation produces a feeling of lightness and happiness when the relationship is consumed. It is essential to take advantage of this moment to learn a lot about ourselves, about our strengths and weaknesses, about maturity, etc. It is vital to clearly analyze the why of the situation, otherwise the pain will remain strong for some time. Until some wounds heal, there will be no room for a new love. This does not mean that there will be no signs in our mind or in our heart, but the secret lies in starting over thanks to these and changing, improving. The marks left by exes shouldn't be used to rack their brains and constantly think about what we did wrong, cry and complain about the end of a relationship and having lost a person. The process of choosing the next partner and the outcome or failure of the couple will depend on how well we will be after getting over the previous relationship.
There is no rule that says how long it takes to forget an ex and how much this should mark us. It will all depend on the compromise and perseverance of each one in trying to improve day after day. A good idea is to remember the things that made us happy in any relationship. For example, a walk, passion, romance, knowing someone was taking care of us, safety, communication. These are the positive signs that must remain as the "legacy" of our former partners. Negative things should be eliminated over time, which is the best medicine in most cases.
