Last update: 02 September, 2020
Some people suffer from a constant feeling of abandonment which produces a strong inner discomfort, since they live in fear that the people around them will sooner or later leave them. We are talking about great observers who carefully analyze any word or action to confirm how much they fear: "no one wants to be with me, no one loves me, I am indifferent to everyone".
On many occasions, they are wrong. However, when we start a relationship fearing that the other person will abandon us, it is possible that this will happen. The reason for this is that the fear becomes so strong that these people end up establishing unhealthy emotional bonds. This fear leads them to control, pester and not trust their partner. Eventually the relationship breaks down and ends.
It also happens that relationships change over time. The friends we have now and with whom we have a strong friendship, in the future, can come out of our life. Lives and relationships transform. Unfortunately, the constant feeling of abandonment experienced by some people prevents them from being aware of it. Their fear of losing loved ones will make them believe that any change in a relationship is bad.
The attachment that develops in childhood
To understand a person who experiences a continuous feeling of abandonment, it is necessary to pay attention to the kind of childhood he had. Although it is a stage of which we have a very vague memory, attachment develops in it. This is a very important bond that marks all our relationships in adulthood.
“To be independent and secure adults we must first of all have been dependent, affectionate and supported infants; in a nutshell, beloved ones. "
-Sue Gerhardt-
Attachment is the emotional bond that all children develop with those who care for them, people who care about their needs and make them feel safe. According to various researches, if during adulthood we experience a continuous feeling of abandonment, this is due to an unhealthy development of attachment. It is therefore possible that there were deficiencies in childhood. Let's see some of the most frequent.
Factors that cause the continuous feeling of abandonment
- Lack of love. If the parents do not hug, caress or provide physical affection in any way, the child will grow up with lack of affection. The same will happen if he is never told anything pleasant. There are different types of affective demonstrations, they are not only physical and necessary.
- Tutors absent. Many of the people who suffer from a constant feeling of abandonment find themselves in this situation because their parents have given them little attention. Maybe they were very focused on their relationships, maybe they were absent or very busy. In any case, the child experienced a profound feeling of absence.
- Examples of unhealthy relationships. The interaction between parents is essential to build the certainty that we will not be abandoned. Infidelity, for example, is often very damaging to the child's safety. In these cases, it is common for you to interpret that all people are "unfaithful" and will abandon him.
The constant feeling of abandonment is a very heavy burden, but in childhood it was a defense mechanism to survive. Instead of developing a secure attachment, the child has developed an insecure-ambivalent bond, which will be present in all relationships of his adult life.
The person will be suspicious and will be alert to any possible deception. At the same time, however, he will depend on someone else who can satisfy all of his emotional needs.
The repetition of the same models
If you feel identified by the above description, perhaps you have had partners who are unfaithful or with extreme attachment to their parents or who did not give you the necessary attention. You may be unconsciously repeating the same patterns from your childhood. The only difference is that it reproduces in other contexts and with other people.
The first time we discover the impact of our relationship with our parents on our adult life, we can feel anger. Maybe we start blaming them for everything that happens to us. Nonetheless, it is necessary to remember that they did everything they could at that time.
Plus, now that we have grown up, we are solely responsible for our actions and the decisions we make. Blaming others will not help us. The only useful tool will be to work on ourselves.
The best way to cure unhealthy attachment acquired in childhood it's working on your self-esteem. This will allow you to discover your shortcomings and eliminate the need to look for someone to fill them. Starting to cultivate confidence will help you to trust yourself and others. This will help you have healthier relationships.
Keep in mind that you cannot check or undo what happened as a child, but you can decide to fix it now. To do this, you have to take control of your feelings. The road to healthy relationships isn't easy, but it's worth it.
