Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: February 18, 2022
Most of us let someone take over our heart on one condition: they don't break it. We take the necessary measures, we protect ourselves, but even so it happens and catches us unprepared. This happens, for example, when the partner leaves without giving explanations, when from one day to the next he throws a magic dust and disappears as beings from the afterlife, without a "we have to talk", "I'll call you later" or "I'm sorry, it's over". In these cases, like overcome the breakdown of a relationship?
It is said that all wounded people have unresolved stories behind them. Most of us drag on unanswered questions that swing in our minds, evoking uncomfortable glimpses of a past that still burns. Well, sometimes the situation is more complicated. Because more than having unresolved chapters behind us, inside us there are endless stories, shadows of people who have left us overnight without giving us a reason. And in these cases, getting over the end of a relationship is more difficult than ever.
"Camp abandoned, fire declared"
-Anonymous-
The argument is not new. In the United States, accustomed to labeling every gesture, behavior or dynamic, they call it "ghosting". The act of disappearing from someone's life - with whom he had not long been linked by an emotional bond - is more than recurrent, so much so that on average everyone has one or two ghost disappearances. Or worse still, it might even be us doing this.
While it is often said that leaving someone without giving an explanation is a masculine art, there are some things to consider. Leaving someone without a reason is not an art, but a lack of consideration and a sign of immaturity. At the same time, this act is not a male prerogative. Women and men do it, and even more so in this age of new technologies where it is possible to break a relationship with a click and / or a simple block.
An end without explanation and the useless search for why
There is no written law that says that before we leave someone we must say why. Nobody forces us to have this final conversation, to enumerate one by one the reasons for our decision, for the change. And we haven't even signed a contract that binds us to explain why the heart no longer beats the same way or why the illusion is shattered.
Nobody draws up the norms of what to do or not to do in an emotional relationship. However, there is an ethical sense, moral and affective respect, there is maturity and courage. So, and given that these principles are not prefabricated, but synonymous with good manners, there are many people who have to overcome the end of a relationship without explanation and the consequences that come with it.
Even if there is not enough clinical literature regarding the psychological processes that the abandoned person usually experiences, it must be said that the same dynamics almost always concur:
- The person is unable to accept the end of the relationship. Not having received a clear explanation, he falls into a useless dynamic of resuming contacts, of attempts to meet. All this turns into further anxiety, despair and the inability to close permanently.
- It is not the same thing to accept the end of a relationship knowing the cause that caused it and to be abandoned overnight for no reason. Doubts, the attempt to rationalize the irrational, in many cases lead the person to feel guilty. To think of being the reason for abandonment.
- The pain phase can last for months and even never end. The open wound, the permanent doubt create a void in which resentment, frustration and distrust are rooted. All of this makes it very difficult to start new relationships or ones that are of value.
How to overcome the end of a relationship without explanation?
There are no abandonments without reason. The end without explanation happens more often than we think and it is necessary to know how to manage, react and, most importantly, survive it. Let's see some tips that can be useful in these cases.
Accept the evidence
Missed calls, unread messages. Social profiles blocked. Days that become weeks without communication, no contact and much less presence. Contacts, friends and family of that person who avoid and seek excuses not to meet us ...
We could consider other avenues, but the evidence supporting the idea of ​​abandonment or an end is clear. We avoid prolonging the inevitable and accept what happened: a farewell that we must say in the place of the other in the face of his silence.
Valuing yourself
They will tell you "turn the page", "accept it", forget that person ". Well, all of this will come a little later. The first and most necessary step is to value yourself and our feelings. It is time to recognize the wound, to cry, to externalize the pain and to reconnect with our fragmented being.
You have to let the pain express itself and pass.
Take responsibility
However much we try, it will not always be possible to arrange an appointment with the person to have us explain why. And this is something we have to accept: we will be forced to shape a pain without a final conversation. We must try to resolve that chapter ourselves and to do so we must combine courage and responsibility.
Responsibility above all towards ourselves. Because if they have abandoned us the last thing to do is to abandon ourselves. We need to take back the reins and understand that we are 100% responsible for our recovery. There are no second thoughts, no more attempts to contact each other, beg for a new appointment or make plans to meet with those who left us.
Time and effort: the management of pain and anger
After an unexplained end, pain and anger remain. We must understand that these two dimensions do not fade away on their own with the passage of time. They are resistant, crystallize and can completely affect our life.
So let's learn how to manage them. For this purpose, it is advisable to undertake new activities, use the help of friends and family, starting projects that excite us and allow us to channel those complex emotions that compromise our identity and prevent us from being happy again.
Focus on the present to heal
Those who are trying to overcome the end of a relationship that took place without explanation live anchored in the past and conditional time. “What would have happened if instead of doing so, I had acted differently? What if I said other words? Why didn't I notice that? "...
These arguments are a source of suffering. To avoid this repeated pain and overcome it, we need to make room for the present. Facing the present moment with openness, resilience and dignity will allow us to break the thread that binds us to the past.
Finally, we have another task. Making our current suffering a constructive experience. Clearly few pains are as deep as the wounds of abandonment, but our human potential allows us to overcome them. We can survive this end without explanation, we can move forward because we have the tools to do so.
