Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Healing emotional wounds does not mean forgetting, above all, it means making sure that they stop controlling our life. Such a thing requires a meticulous process of transformation with which to understand that we will never be the same, because the cure is not a return, but a skilful reconstruction with which to shape a new, stronger and more courageous person.
We all have wounds that need treatment. We live in a world in which there are many forms of violence, some more explicit and others veiled and silent. Facts like sexism, discrimination, bullying, physical or social intimidation, the effects of family dysfunction or even cultural messages on beauty and success can also affect us for life.
In the last few centuries Western psychology has tried to heal wounds based on a wide range of approaches and techniques, and it has succeeded with greater or lesser success. It is a science oriented to relieve emotional pain, to offer adequate techniques with which to improve our thinking and behavior patterns to obtain, in this way, a change, a vital improvement.
However, none of this is possible if the person, if the patient himself, does not feel like it. But not only that, very often it happens that, far from dedicating ourselves to the problem, to an isolated event or a traumatic past, we opt to grit our teeth, close our hearts and move forward without looking through the rearview mirror.
It is a bad strategy, and a further mistake we usually make is to think that time heals everything, that it is enough to let the days, months and years pass for everything to be resolved. However, time does not cure everything, it is the actions we take during this time that heal the wounds.
Healing Wounds: In Search of Primary Pain
Alba is 30 years old and has been losing her father to a stroke for almost eight months. The people around her, her boyfriend, her friends and her family are amazed at how she has dealt with grief. She didn't ask for a day at work, on the contrary, after her funeral Alba concentrated almost obsessively on her professional projects, working with frenzy.
No one saw her cry or show any kind of emotional outburst. She is more active than ever, to the point of spending all day away from home, it is as if she tries to keep herself busy at all times so as not to think, not to feel emotions. However, she has reached such a level of exhaustion and stress that she herself has decided to go to her GP to prescribe "something to sleep or relax". The doctor, however, decided to undergo a psychological examination.
After analyzing Alba's case, the psychologist has two things clear. The first is that her patient did not go through any kind of bereavement, the second is that it has created a very effective “survival ego” with which to hide a deep primary pain. Alba needs to heal her wounds, wounds that perhaps go beyond the mere loss of her father, traumatic facts that perhaps reside in her past and which now, with the death of the parent, have reactivated to form a much more convulsive "whole" and complex.
This story allows us to understand two aspects that we expose below. In response to the experience of pain, emptiness and confusion generated by a traumatic event such as abuse, loss or any other event, it is common for the person to try to move on, to leave this fact behind, to forget. To do this, it creates a "false self", a personality to stay afloat with.
However, the primary wound remains present, latent and will gradually extend to create other secondary wounds (isolation, personality disorders, anxiety, depression, etc).
Emotional first aid
There is a very interesting book entitled The primal wound by psychiatrist John Firman which explains an interesting and useful concept at the same time. Healing wounds does not mean erasing trauma, it means rehabilitating ourselves as human beings and implies, first of all, knowing how to create an empathic connection with the primary wound.
Maybe it can be a bit strange or even complex to us. To understand this, it is enough to remember one thing: when a person undergoes psychological therapy, first of all he perceives an empathic environment, a warm and intimate scenario in which the psychologist continually tries to connect with his patient. From him, the patient must be able to connect empathically with his wounds, his inner needs that he neglected or did not want to see.
In this way, little by little he will be able to heal the primary trauma and its side effects, with time, delicacy and safety. Another useful aspect that is explained to us by Doctor Firman in his book is thethe importance of knowing how to apply adequate emotional aids to all the “emotional scratches and cuts” we suffer every day. Let's see some examples.
5 first aid interventions to heal wounds
- Describe and become aware. A first piece of advice is not to wait for tomorrow to intervene on the pain you feel today and for this purpose there is nothing better than knowing how to describe your emotional states. Words like “today I feel empty, angry, afflicted, I'm afraid, I just feel upset or frustrated, etc” can help us.
- The "non-dependence". We must understand and accept that no person deserves to be the victim of their own automatic hurt, disappointment or persistent negative mood.
- Autocompassione. Nobody has to love us as much or care as much about our wounds as we do ourselves. Feeling compassion means visualizing the pain and understanding that it needs to be treated, relieved.
- Proper support. Even if we don't want to, it's not always good to deal with our daily problems and bruises alone. Relying on proper support that fosters emotional release is always of great help.
- Change. Healing the wounds requires initiating more than one change, more than one variation on a personal level and in our surroundings to train a new person. Sometimes meeting new people, pursuing new projects or taking up new hobbies gives us adequate incentives to start palpitating with more strength and enthusiasm.
As an ancient Chinese proverb says, if every day we put our hair in order, why don't we do the same with our heart? Healing is possible, let's start today.
