Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
We all know how difficult it can be to define the term "family". Do we insert into this dimension only those who are united to us by blood ties or the people we have freely chosen and with whom we build positive and meaningful ties?
Sometimes talking about family reopens certain wounds, disappointments and small grudges. In fact, we could say without mistake that one of the most complex and most talked about figures is that of the "absent father".
Maybe you know this situation; perhaps you have experienced it on your own skin or you have observed it in your closest social circle.
Sometimes when we ask someone to tell us about their family, they don't hesitate to tell us a thousand stories about their mother, grandparents, uncles; however, at the moment of talking about the father, the smile is forced and silence makes its way. He shrugs and hesitantly says, “Well, I don't know, my dad was… it was just him. There was, but nothing else ”.
We do not want to say that this emotional emptiness is exclusively characteristic of the paternal figure, even the mother can be the protagonist, but it is much more frequent that the father and the parent have left their mark in this sense.
We invite you to deepen the subject with us.
The father emotionally absent, but present in the family
Growing up without a father, without a mother or without a relevant figure in our childhood following a traumatic event is something that we will always carry with us, which leaves internal scars that we try to endure.
There are those who say that the weight of education, attention and growth falls on the mother figure. We will not deny its importance in creating this healthy attachment with which to have security in each of our steps.
Although this is undoubted, the father is also important and this no one can deny; but what happens when in the bosom of the family there is an absent father who does not establish any bond with his children?
- A child's brain is an avid processor of stimuli and, day after day, it especially needs positive reinforcement to be able to grow mature and safe.
- An absent father generates inconsistencies, gaps and difficulties in behavior. The child expects affection, communication and a daily interaction with which to open up to the world also through his father. Unfortunately, he finds a wall.
- Void and shy treatment generates anxiety in children, they do not know “what to follow”, they develop expectations that are not fulfilled and, moreover, they tend to compare the fathers of others with their own. They know that their friends' fathers act differently from their own.
What consequences does an absent father generate in adulthood?
Generates an emotional detachment which makes you more insecure in establishing certain relationships.
It can come to be a bit wary. The idea of ​​projecting a high emotional value towards someone produces fear, fear of being betrayed or rejected or, even worse, ignored.
As you grow, you can realize many other things; for example, recognizing the effort made by one's mother in trying to make up for her father's shortcomings and how, more than once, she excused him with phrases such as: "You know how your father is", "Don't do that, you know that a your father doesn't like it ”,“ It's just that you don't understand them… ”.
How to overcome the wounds left by an absent father
You have grown up, you have your own life, you wear your impregnable armor with pride and you have a clear idea of ​​what you need to do to avoid making the same mistakes your father made with you.
Nevertheless, the emptiness of the absent father continues to be present, and it doesn't matter if you continue to have a relationship with him, if you have lost him, or if you keep quiet during family reunions and pretend that the past never existed.
- The first thing we should do is "understand". Understand that the absent father is a man who has not been able to exercise his role as a father, because he never quite understood what it was.
- It is likely that did not have adequate personal skills, of a good self-esteem, of an internal balance that would allow him to see his mistakes, his fears and his shortcomings.
Does this justify what he did? The emotional emptiness it left? Absolutely, but understanding sometimes helps us to see reality differently, to avoid accumulating further negative emotions.
- You know that you have grown and matured with many gaps due to this education and these affective deficiencies. However, there always comes a time when we should cut the tie with the suffering of the past to heal the wounds in the present.
- If you did not have a father, probably the figures towards whom you developed a healthy and meaningful attachment were others: your mother, your grandparents or even your friends or your partner as you grew up. Those who have stood up as pillars in your life. Your real family, the really important one.
Image courtesy of: Claudia Tremblay
