Saying out loud "I don't tolerate any longer" when necessary improves interpersonal relationships. We shouldn't feel guilty about this, on the contrary: by clarifying our limits we set barriers that aim at balance and well-being.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: December 30, 2021
"I do not tolerate any longer" ... Have you ever said this sentence? You did this by claiming your rights, setting limits and making it clear that you will no longer tolerate certain behaviors or attitudes.
However, and despite the fact that having adequate assertiveness isn't always easy, this reminder needs to be applied on a daily basis. Nobody deserves to live in the bitter territory of silenced needs.
Fear has many faces. It is subtle, complex and always devastating. Because it is not just the shadow of a threat or danger. There is also the fear of disappointment, the worry of not being what others expect.
There is the fear of failure, of being rejected when others are used to being told "yes" to each of their requests. When that happens, when we are trapped in a life without emotional boundaries and limits to protect us, chaos and disorder ensue.
We can offer others the image of a person who is always orderly, efficient and caring, but within us all our parts are loose, confused and disconnected from each other. Identity is blurred and self-esteem is consumed.
Albert Ellis, a well-known psychotherapist and advocate of rational emotional therapy, has paid special attention to this problem.
Ellis argues that one of the most common "psychological monsters" that keep us from moving forward is the need to do everything right so that others recognize it and then treat us as we deserve. This idea, this illusion, is a great source of suffering.
"The limits of my language are the limits of my mind."
-Ludwig Wittgenstein-
I tolerate no more: how to claim personal rights and limits
When we say “I don't tolerate any longer”, we usually don't always do it in the best way. It arises suddenly. Like the sound of a coffee maker holding the pressure for too long.
When that happens, negative emotions, frustration and anger emerge. It is not good to reach these extremes. It is not good to neglect the good hygiene of your personal limits.
Finding your "weak point"
We all have a weak point or a comfort zone where we feel good, safe. Now, what exactly does this term mean when applied to the field of personal limits?
- Finding that state in which we feel neither good nor bad. It is that balanced and serene moment in which we find ourselves "good", where nothing clashes, hurts or disturbs.
Sometimes it will be useful to stay in that comfort zone where we not only feel safe, but also where we are better able to identify where are the limits that no one should cross.
- When we say aloud “I tolerate no further”, we are claiming an area for ourselves. It is a turning point where we no longer allow certain things and certain people to undermine our balance and well-being, our "weak point".
- To reach this personal meridian it is necessary to clarify one's limits. It is an exercise in courageous self-knowledge that takes time and a sincere openness to ourselves.
- We say this for a simple reason: others often take many of our actions for granted. We give up, accept, continue, forgive and tell ourselves that nothing is wrong, that we can handle everything… When of course it isn't.
Aaron Beck, who helped theorize cognitive therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy (TCC), said that many of our psychological tensions stem from these kinds of contradictions.
We reinforce wrong ideas, justify the unjustifiable and we forget our needs and those limits that should protect our identity and our self-esteem.
"I tolerate no more": claim your rights without feeling guilty
Few things are as important to psychological well-being as lack of dissonance, faithfulness to one's principles. Saying “I've come this far” as often as necessary shouldn't hurt us.
The burden of guilt or remorse should not fall on themselves. Because beyond what we may think, what we are really doing is trying to make our relationships healthy.
Likewise, we cannot forget that by taking care of ourselves, putting ourselves in that comfort area where we feel safe and protected, we guarantee our well-being. And when you feel good, you are able to give your best to others, to create more authentic and sincere bonds.
On the other hand, studies such as the one conducted by Dr Rita Ellen Numerof of the University of Manchester (UK) indicate that if we were able to train every day in the exercise of assertiveness, we would be able to obtain a better quality of life at the level physical and mental. Because claiming rights and setting limits is necessary in all areas: family, relationships, work.
Let's do it, let's put limits, without being afraid or feeling guilty because not only will our relationships improve, but it will be an investment in achieving happiness.
Conclusions
Being assertive takes time, above all it requires a lot of inner work. We need to stop feeding the fear of what people will say or how they will react when we say aloud "I tolerate no more".
We then initiate those changes that affect our personal fulfillment, our balance and our emotional intelligence so much.
