Last update: January 06, 2017
Who has never had a bad time? We have all fallen, and for this we have suffered. In sharing it with loved ones, however, we realized the following: “the past is past, now I have to look forward”, “I don't have to pay attention to it, but try to be happy”, etc.
What lies behind those "now it's water under the bridge" and "now is the time to get up and keep fighting"? Do they mean that we cannot be affected by the bad things that happen to us? Or maybe that, if something bad happens to us, we have to behave as if nothing had happened? Should we be happy regardless of the circumstances? Absolutely no!
"Happiness is beneficial to the body, but it is pain that develops the powers of the mind."
-Marcel Proust-
Happiness at any cost
In today's society, the belief has spread that one should be happy at any cost. It is not allowed to be sad, anguished or angry. We have to be happy. Actually being happy is wonderful, how to say the opposite?
We are bombarded with messages of joy, happiness and optimism, on social networks and all other means of communication. We have reached the point that, when someone does not feel happy as he "should", feelings of frustration are generated due to the fact that reality has deviated from general expectations. When this happens, that feeling of unease takes over accompanied by thoughts like "if he is happy, why am I not too?"
"Happiness for me consists in appreciating what I have and not wanting what I don't have"
-Leon Tolstoi-
It seems that wanting to be happy at all costs, regardless of the circumstances, is increasingly difficult. This because when something does not go the way we would like or something bad happens to us, negative emotions immediately arise, without much can be done to avoid them.
What happens then? Don't we have to be happy or can't we feel bad in certain situations? It is obvious that being happy is the solution to every problem, but it is also good to pay attention to the risk of enhancing negative feelings for the simple belief that we must necessarily feel good.
Why do negative emotions appear?
Emotions come as a response from our body when faced with certain situations. But on the basis of what appears one rather than another? This depends on the value that each individual gives to what happens to him. Positive emotions, therefore, are those that arouse pleasant feelings. They emerge when the situation is evaluated as positive, consequently it is not necessary to act to try to modify or resolve it.
Negative emotions, on the other hand, generate unpleasant feelings. They appear when a situation is assessed as harmful, consequently setting in motion a whole series of tools to try to cope with and overcome it. From this point of view, in order to "move forward" as we are always told, we need the appearance of these negative emotions.
For example, if something scares us, defense techniques are activated in us. When something makes us nervous, we prepare to defend ourselves from possible harm. If we feel sorry, this emotion allows us to move away from what can be harmful or "toxic" for us. Finally, sadness helps us to accept the loss, making us reflect and process what happened.
So should we let ourselves be carried away by emotional malaise?
This is a good question. As we have seen, emotions appear in order to prepare us as much as possible for the situations and changes that occur around us. This makes both positive and negative emotions extremely necessary.
“Beware of sadness. It's a vice "
-Gustave Flaubert-
The secret is to understand when emotions are considered harmful. If these occur too frequently, in fact, they risk being the cause of various psychosomatic diseases, as well as anxiety or mood problems.
The point of the question then becomes the ability to distinguish a normal emotion from a harmful one. To do this, we have a series of parameters available:
- Number of episodes. It refers to the frequency with which negative emotions arise. If you are infrequent, nothing happens. The problem arises when the frequency is very high.
- Intensity of emotion. When it comes with a mild or medium intensity, it is a normal and controllable malaise, as opposed to when it has a very high intensity.
- Duration of the emotion. When it is limited and goes away once the event that caused it has disappeared, it means that it is acting in a positive way. On the contrary, if it lasts a long time, it becomes harmful.
- Type of reaction. If it is a predictable response given the triggering situation, then if other people would have reacted in the same way in front of the same situation, the emotion is not pathological. The signal of an abnormality can come when the reaction is clearly disproportionate.
- Suffering caused. If limited and transient, it is a very normal passing malaise. This is not the case when the suffering is great and prolonged over time.
- Interference with daily life. When the effects on everyday life are light or nonexistent, it is not a harmful emotion. On the contrary, it is if it interferes in an incisive way on our daily life.
Once the previous points have been understood, it is necessary to be aware of the fact that it is good that negative emotions appear when needed. This malaise is not to be avoided, but it is also not a good idea to indulge in it.
It is in this moment that the ability to know how to handle emotions comes into play. After helping us to deal adequately with a concrete fact, they must disappear. Only then can we truly be happy and move on.
Images courtesy of Ryan McGuire.
