Last update: February 25, 2016
It's not that bad, I assure you. I've found people who make me laugh, a lot. I found myself in the morning, when I make coffee and you're not there; in the evening, when I come home from work and there is no one under the covers ...
It's not that bad, believe me. I'm fine, even if every morning I see your reflection in the coffee for a thousandth of a second and then in the evening, when I lift the covers looking for something to lean on. I'll tell you the truth: to be or to be there are not the same thing, you continue to be even if you are no longer there.
I'm fine, I opened my arms wide to let in new memories of which you are not the protagonist; Nonetheless, I confess: I still don't have enough to keep me warm at night.
You are no longer here, even though I keep seeing you
Writing is the hardest and least courageous way I've found to tell you that I miss you unconditionally, but that I need to live with myself - just like you live without me. That's right, if we can no longer be one, it's time for me to at least start being myself. They told me, in fact, that in the end the only person I have to learn to be with is myself.
You have not been here with me for some time, although I keep seeing you everywhere I go. In all those places that preserve the affection that I still feel, those places to which we owe all the moments of happiness experienced. Because behind all the rottenness, we were really able to laugh together.
It will be difficult to stop seeing each other, but the greatest advice we can give ourselves is to bring out the same strength we showed when we decided to start. I know it's not the same, that then you were there and I was there; but we can do it anyway, I can do it.
I free you from me
They also told me - and this is the real function of this writing - that the best way to stop the pain is to release it. For this, without resentment and without hatred, I offer you all the freedom you need: I am not referring to the obvious, to the fact that you are gone. I want to leave you free to be for real, without guilt or remorse, no more crying.
For this reason, at least for now, it is better that we forget everything: the Sundays at your house, the films seen together that made me fall asleep every time, the dinners that we will not share anymore. Let's let go of the unfinished dreams, my being in a bad mood that prevented your smile, the sadness, our happiness. Let's turn the page.
Let's say goodbye to the cities that have seen us together, at all the first times, to what you have taught me and that perhaps I have also taught you. Let's start from scratch. I free you from me, as does every corner of this city that one day saw us together, but that he will no longer see us.
I say goodbye to you without being fully capable of it; I do it because I know it is necessary not to say goodbye to myself, for good. I'm sure you would agree: if we cannot be as we would have liked, the healthiest thing is to try to be different; and if there is no way now, the only thing that can make us heal is to stop being.
“Today I set you free.
from my evils,
from those endless Sunday evenings,
from the hatred of my birthdays,
from not knowing what to give yourself
that you don't already have or lose.
I free you from my disillusionment,
from your karma,
from my news,
from that contradiction that invaded me
and that I represent.
I release you from my calls,
from my troubles,
from my straight, long and unkempt hair
that coiled between your fingers and hurt me.
I release you from my conscience,
from falls, from ascents,
from this escape.
I free you from those suspension points,
from the points and from the head,
from questions and exclamations,
from all those grammatical rules which, after all, were of no use.
I release you through the door you just closed,
so that you can go,
can you leave me,
so that you see me from afar and desire me less every day,
despite this it hurts me in the depths of my heart. "
-Mario Benedetti-
