Last update: December 11, 2015
You are the kind of pain that I don't want to face. You are the emotional wound created in hardship and fueled by mistreatment. You are disillusionment, betrayal, injustice, humiliation and abandonment.
I try to escape you and not look at you, because the only thing that gives me relief is the enthusiasm for normality. I cover my eyes, because I don't want to live suffering, but at the same time I'm tired of saying and thinking that everything is fine.
I smile when I don't feel like it and try to get along with life, but pretending is starting to be maddening. There is nothing more painful than showing that we are okay when something inside us hurts.
When this happens, we end up entering a spiral that absorbs us and crushes our soul. So I decided to close the wound in me. More than once I have felt that it tore out my soul and killed my hope.
This suffering is the work of a criminal. A criminal who broke my heart, who danced on my pains, who took advantage of my innocence, who fed my insomnia with cruelty. A thief of willpower who, after the blow, disposed of my energy.
“When you hold a grudge, you cling to that person or situation by means of an emotional bond stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that bond and achieve freedom. "
(Catherine Ponder)
I was so afraid of flying with my broken wings, that I stopped trying to understand that part of me that was sobbing. In other words, I made my body the grave of my soul and began to sink into it without resistance.
However, there is nothing like hitting rock bottom to regain momentum. I realized that running away from my torments only worsened and dilated my problems and, above all, devastated my emotions.
I realized that I could not betray myself and not look after myself. If something hurts, you can't say out loud that all is well. In this way, I realized that feeling the pain of life freely was the best way out.
I was benefited by the fact that pain is only the first stage of suffering, therefore I still had time to heal myself before being irreparably damaged. Feeling this way is a warning sign that our mind uses to warn us that something is hindering our well-being.
Awareness that is achieved through emotional pain
Usually, the blows take us by surprise and cause us so much agony, that we avoid them and we become experts in escaping the pain of our life. For example, this happens to us when we find ourselves on the verge of a separation: the distancing becomes more and more evident, but we want to believe that nothing is happening and that everything will work out.
These masochistic behaviors develop excessive pain tolerance. We think that, not to fail in our role as person / partner / friend / woman / man / father / mother, we must sacrifice and, therefore, suffer.
In other words, getting used to it to pain, we justify the tendency to offer ourselves totally and immeasurably; in this way, we try to give meaning to our behaviors and to our life itself.
When we go through a painful phase, we unconsciously try to move on, as if nothing is happening. However, with this attitude, we only allow the pain to enter us and take root. Thus, the pain grows larger and reaches our most vital feelings and emotions.
Escaping from suffering is impossible and the only way we have to make it disappear is to allow ourselves to experience it and live it until it runs out.
