The absence of love often involves suffering. But on other occasions it is just an extreme way of living love that makes us suffer. Limerence is that experience that ends up turning a relationship into real hell
Last update: April 02, 2022
When certain circumstances arise, love ceases to be sublime. The truth is that many times we give the name of "love" to what is not; we confuse the experience of loving with that of being loved. From this it sometimes arises a real obsession with the partner, limerence.
This term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979 to indicate that state in which loving becomes a tremendous experience.
The doctor came to her conclusions after conducting extensive research on romantic love for which she consulted the opinions of over 500 people.
Limerence is understood as that state of mind in which loving is hell. In other words, that condition in which one person feels "in love" with another and develops an obsessive and prevalent desire to be reciprocated.
This state is related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. That is why it involves great suffering for the individual.
Fixed ideas have the corrosive tenacity of incurable diseases. Once they enter a soul, they devour it, they no longer leave it the freedom to think about anything, to enjoy anything else.
-Guy de Maupassant-
When love is hell
We all know falling in love it is a state characterized by a strong intensity of feelings. Not only do you feel the "butterflies in the stomach", but also the critical sense fails and reason takes a back seat.
The feeling of "love" is pervasive, powerful and very rewarding. It is experienced as a sweet suffering. Generally, after this phase of enormous excitement of emotions, other phases arrive in which, little by little, the balance and care of one's interests are recovered.
The intensity of the feeling decreases, rational elements are introduced and the "blindness" dissipates. At this point, when the relationship is healthy, we move on to a deeper, more real phase, characterized by tenderness.
In the case of limerence they are experienced the same symptoms of falling in love by only one member of the couple. There is, therefore, no correspondence. This leads to a third characteristic of limerence.
When the person realizes that there is no correspondence, they decide not to accept the situation. He thus invests all his efforts to make the other feel the same way. And he is reluctant to admit that this may not happen. Here love becomes hell.
Limerence, when love hurts
From a pleasant and exultant feeling, love becomes torture when limerence occurs. That obsession doesn't let you live in peace for a minute. Vague and continuous illusions are followed by severe disappointments.
Over and over the cycle is restarted. The person feels trapped in the feeling of love and cannot find a way to stop feeling that way.
THElove is experienced as a negative experience, causing extreme suffering. Faced with this, the person looks for a way to ensure the love of the partner, therefore make mistakes and is assailed by doubts and insecurities. The obsessive thoughts cause her anxiety and worry.
It is impossible to stop thinking about the "loved one". Sometimes you try, but the intrusive thoughts come back to crowd your mind.
The partner is idealized and always tries to be together and do whatever the other likes. Such a state also causes physical manifestations.
The person may experience symptoms such as tremors, palpitations, sweating, nervousness, difficulty sleeping, etc. Everything that characterizes an obsession.
Get out of the hell of limerence
At the base are the traits of an obsessive-compulsive personality, severe disorder with various consequences. In the case of limerence, "being loved" is just a pretext to show a series of symptoms related to deeper problems.
An obsessive person can become obsessed with a sport, religion, idea, or any other object or reality. In the case of limerence, the emphasis is on another person and the feeling of oneness.
This obsessive approach leads to compulsive acts (automatic and irrational) and to define love as a hellish state.
In reality, there is no love in these cases. Conversely, there is an alteration of consciousness that may have to do with unprocessed traumatic experiences. These come from the past and have not been recognized.
The alleged burning love for the other may be nothing more than a smokescreen to keep the debt to oneself hidden. In that case, consulting an expert is the only solution.
