Living with an alexithymic person is a challenge because he cannot decode his feelings. This personality trait underlies many romantic breakups.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Living with an alexithymic person is not easy. After all, few can get used to the lack of an "I love you" or "How are you?" The alexithymic, unlike what we may think, has feelings, but he cannot express in words his inner world made up of affections and emotions that block and anguish him.
Nick Frye-Cox, a physician at the University of Missouri, conducted a study on this. He invites us to reflect on the fact that much of the emotional breakdown would be caused by alexithymia. These are situations in which the partner does not feel appreciated, where far from appreciating true love, one feels only coldness and even lust.
Emotional communication is the foundation of a healthy bond. We need someone to be by our side, we want emotionally active partners, receptive and expressive figures who understand reciprocity, who offer those reinforcements that can validate the relationship, cultivate affection and daily commitment.
The alexithymic person does not always manage to do this, and not because he does not want to, but because he lacks the tools to respond to what he feels. It is like trying to speak through a language that it ignores, as if living in a foggy dimension where the emotional dimension flows inaccurately.
To better deal with this situation, it will be useful to know this profile. Living with an alexithymic person can sometimes be painful, but it is possible to implement some useful strategies in this regard.
“Alexithymic people feel lonely. They don't have the means to communicate their feelings and this ends up destroying most of their romantic relationships. "
-Nick Frye-Cox-
What is an alexithymic person like?
First of all it is good to clarify that an alexithymic person is not a psychopath. Likewise, not all alexithymic profiles present a psychological disorder. In fact, we are talking about a personality trait identified in 1976 by John Nemiah, an American psychoanalyst.
To recognize an alexithymic person, the Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20) is used, which measures the following dimensions:
- Difficulty recognizing and describing feelings.
- Problems of interpretation and distinction of one's emotions.
- Tendency towards social conformity.
- The person assumes that no one can understand him and this sometimes causes frustration.
- Avoid talking about the intimate aspects of his life, about how he feels, thinks or that it happened to her. He prefers light conversations, related to activities, hobbies, objective aspects.
A study conducted at the University of the Basque Country estimates that this profile can be associated with 15% of the population.
How to live with an alexithymic person?
Often there are those who fall into the error of thinking that the alexithymic person does not fall in love: it is not true. This profile feels the needs of affiliation, of creating a family, of loving and being loved.
As neurologist Pablo Irimia points out, "the alexithymic is a sentient being, but he is unable to express what he feels in words and in accordance with the context." So let's see what strategies help to live with an alexithymic person.
What is not said in words is expressed through other channels
Love, affection, complicity and admiration can be expressed in many ways and not just in words. To be able to live with an alexithymic person, we must understand that it will be extremely difficult for them to verbalize their feelings. We can, however, perceive them in her gazes and in her non-verbal language.
A channel often used by many alexithymics is that of writing. The couple must find a means by which to reflect these feelings.
Physical communication is essential for living with an alexithymic person
Collin Hesse, a communications lecturer at the University of Missouri, conducted several studies in which he identified an interesting aspect. The alexithymic person responds well to physical contact, caresses, hugs, kisses. Adopting this type of language on a daily basis can facilitate understanding.
When words fail, it is good to use highly emotional gestures. Empathy, connection, and most importantly, anxiety are relieved. It is clear that the partner is in pain, but the same goes for the alexithymic person who does not know how to communicate.
Therapeutic paths to improve coexistence
Alexithymia has no cure why it is a personality type, not a clinical disorder. To live with an alexithymic person it is therefore necessary to rely on the therapist to improve the relationship, to have the tools with which to optimize communication. The most interesting approaches in this regard are:
- Stimulation of emotional intelligence.
- Techniques to calm anxiety and aggression.
- Relaxation exercises.
Safeguarding emotional integrity when living with an alexithymic person is impossible
Living with an alexithymic is exhausting. This is for an obvious reason: many people get tired of giving themselves without receiving anything in return, without seeing improvement.
It is important to safeguard one's psychological health. As already mentioned, living with an alexithymic person is often a cause of great suffering (for both). Sometimes, therefore, there is no other option than to reflect on your relationship and make a decision.
However, one must not leave without first fighting for the relationship. Many couples, in fact, have managed to find the right tools to create their own language through which to feel appreciated; however, this is only possible when the gaps are not excessive and there is collaboration between the two partners.
