Last update: May 24, 2017
Loneliness freely chosen at a precise moment of our life does not act only as a balm, as an effective therapy to regain the connection with ourselves. Sometimes, it is also a way to interpose a healthy distance between us and what is not good for us, which disturbs, alters or muddies our inner peace.
Let's talk about what in psychology is often called "functional loneliness", an expression that describes a feeling that will certainly be familiar to more than one of our readers: the need to get away from a noxious or suffocating environment, in order to find ourselves and to recover our psychological well-being.
"There is no loneliness worse than that of someone who is not comfortable with themselves."
-Mark Twain-
In this case, therefore, we are not talking about an imposed loneliness, that isolation that is sometimes caused by inadequate social relationships or that sadness linked to the lack of meaningful relationships. In this case, there is an essential therapeutic component in solitude, which has the power to recompose fundamental dimensions such as self-esteem or the identification of our priorities. It is a solitude that gives us back that personal, intimate and private space that had been stolen from us.
As Pearl S. Buck, writer and Nobel Prize in Literature once said, within each of us springs of great beauty gush out which from time to time need to be renewed to continue to feel alive. Strange as it may seem, it is a task we can only accomplish during those times of chosen, vital, and complacent loneliness.
The feeling of loneliness in company: a dangerous abyss
Loneliness is scary for most people. In fact, we just have to imagine ourselves walking into a deserted shopping mall on a Saturday afternoon for the brain to instantly send us an alarm signal. We feel anguish and fear. This reaction is due to a basic mechanism, an instinct that reminds us that we cannot survive in solitude. The human being is a social animal by nature, and it is precisely in this way that our species has managed to advance and evolve: living in community.
The truth, however, is that every day many people find themselves in far worse situations than a shopping mall with no customers. As several studies reveal, almost 60% of married people feel lonely. And 70% of teenagers, despite having numerous friends, feel alone and misunderstood. These data oblige us to remember that loneliness does not only concern the number of people who are part of our life, but the quality of the emotional relationship we have established with each of them.
On the other hand, another mistake we often fall into is that of giving value and carrying on over time inadequate relational dynamics, which generate a clear unhappiness in us. We feel alone, misunderstood and suffocated in our workplace, but we continue to work there because "you have to live on something". We go out with old friends even if we no longer feel in tune with them, because they are the ones "always" ... How would we get away from them now? Un even more serious mistake is to carry on a romantic relationship despite feeling alone, because he is even more afraid of the void of having no one by his side.
All these examples give shape to that dysfunctional loneliness, in which very often we create real defense mechanisms by ourselves in order not to see reality, in order to tell ourselves that everything is fine, that the people around us love us. , they love us and value us. We are like a person who is drowning and, despite everything, keeps sticking his head out to ask for more water.
Unhappiness is not cured with more suffering. Nobody deserves to feel alone when in company.
“I'm not afraid of loneliness. Indeed, I am one of those people who love to enjoy it. "
-Charlotte Bronte-
At that point, the only possible option is to become aware of the reality in which you live and look for a solution. The chosen solitude, which involves a healthy distance and a period of time to dedicate only to oneself, is always positive, necessary and cathartic. We are not talking so much about taking temporary isolation, because, in reality, it is not about escaping. The point is much simpler: the secret is to be able to put aside what is not profitable for us.
Dedicating time to ourselves is a recipe that never disappoints. It means recovering intimacy, regaining possession of our spaces, remembering who we were and thinking about who we want to become starting now.. Such a journey may last for weeks or months. Each has its own rhythms and times that must be accepted and respected.
Loneliness chosen freely in a given period of our life not only heals, it not only recomposes many of our broken pieces: it is also a way to learn how to build adequate personal filters. Those filters through which tomorrow we will let through only the things and people that will make us feel good, that are similar to our emotional frequencies, suitable to be hosted in the privileged corners of our heart.
