Last update: Augusts 15, 2018
How we relate to loneliness says a lot about us. We must be aware of our state of mind, our thoughts, desires and needs. Reflecting on them will help us find psychological stability even in difficult times. This kind of introspection will feed on the time we dedicate to solitude.
The ability to enjoy solitude is a sign of emotional maturity and independence. These qualities will allow us to enhance the knowledge of ourselves.
Maybe we hate ourselves so much that we need others to feel more acceptable? Emotional dependence and sentimental conflicts create an emotional emptiness in us. Plus, they don't allow us to endure loneliness. Thus we fall into codependent relationships, into symbiosis and into a confusion based on a non-genuine sociality.
"He who hates hates himself."
-Anonymous-
When the silence of loneliness causes anguish
Being well alone is a very personal experience. Every moment we spend alone is unique. Different sensations will arise in us according to the vital moment we are facing. It will also affect our psychological state.
Not all minds are able to contain and integrate the pain caused by certain conflicts and vital circumstances. Sometimes it makes us dizzy to hear our own echo. For this reason we surround ourselves with external noises. Avoiding choosing the company of yourself is like fleeing a dead end street. Eventually, the emptiness gets the better of us.
If we can't stand loneliness, our masks will come on the scene. Authenticity will be put aside and a vicious circle will set in motion in which we will avoid ourselves. We will do everything possible not to be alone. We will mask the fear with false justifications. We will move from one relationship to another without even knowing what we are looking for. We will pour out our anguish on friends and family to help us bear some of our burden by relieving us momentarily. We will try to find anesthesia for anxiety by dint of pills. Any option will be valid as long as you don't face loneliness and the message that resonates in it.
What to do to eliminate distress?
If being alone causes us discomfort, restlessness, boredom, anguish or anxiety, it is useful to stop and think: do we feel comfortable with ourselves? Is there something that worries us or worries us? Can we name the anxiety we feel? Could we explain in words what goes through our mind or our heart?
When loneliness is uncomfortable or unpleasant, it means there is a message we need to hear. Something is not working well if we spend all our time in the company of other people. Avoiding loneliness at all costs reflects interpersonal conflict. If we avoid dealing with this situation, we will end up doing everything to calm this state of discomfort, but we will not be able to understand or deal with what is really happening to us.
Loneliness is refreshing
Following certain important events, it is necessary to take some time for yourself. We need this to rearrange ideas and feelings. Losses and changes create an emotional imbalance in us that we must rearrange to regain calm.
Dedicating time in private is essential to make our own and fully experience the experiences we are living. It is clear that we also need other people to share our experiences and concerns. However, it is very important to listen to our inner voice. Spending time with other people should not replace personal reflection, but complement it.
Reserving moments only for ourselves pushes us to place our inner world as the center of attention. Only we will listen to our thoughts and face our emotions. Nobody will enter the scene in our place. The responsibility of knowing how to manage what ails us will remain in our hands. It will therefore be in this way that we will be able to enjoy the calm and we will learn to manage states of malaise.
Loneliness allows us to make an effort to understand ourselves. It gives us the opportunity to decide what to do, when and how. In addition, this whole process will not be a burden, but something pleasant.
"Loneliness is the rule of conscience."
-Gustavo Adolfo Becquer-
Where did the authenticity of relationships go?
When it comes to relationships, quality, not quantity, matters. The presence of someone by our side can make us feel the same or more alone than before. The company does not ensure individual well-being.
We need the affection of others from birth. We seek human contact given the nature of our species. Family, friends, partner, colleagues and each of the social nuclei in which we move are essential for our individual development. Interpersonal relationships serve as a configuration for our personality. In addition, they affect our social skills and the emotional control we have over our surroundings. Despite this, the ability to be alone is of equal or greater importance. Being comfortable with ourselves is the first step to being comfortable with others.
On the other hand, the hyper-connectivity in which we live periodically leads to a disconnection and deterioration of real bonds. We spend more time communicating through a screen than looking into each other's eyes. We have access to a multitude of people and the ability to create a lot of relationships. However, these relationships are often ephemeral and do not satisfy our deepest emotional needs. Consequently, we feel uncomfortable when we are alone and dissatisfied with the new relationships we establish.
"The independent character arises from the ability to be self-sufficient."
-Francisco Grandmontagne-
Loneliness, the best companion there is
Enjoying solitude will depend on our introspective ability. Put another way, it will depend on the ability we have to analyze ourselves. This ability reflects the level of commitment and involvement we have with ourselves. That is, to what extent we take charge of our life without delegating our inner world and our conflicts to others. It is one thing to seek the company of others to give them what is left over and another to seek it to fill what we lack.
It is not a question of being alone, but of knowing how to enjoy yourself even being alone. Keeping ourselves company, choosing ourselves as companions and knowing how to enjoy this even when we are with others will make the difference. It will allow us to establish relationships based on desire and not on necessity.
"What a pleasant surprise to finally discover that alone we are not all that alone."
-Ellen Burstyn-
