Last update: 15 November 2017
Loving yourself is essential, not only to have good self-esteem, but also to build quality interpersonal relationships. If we don't love each other, we will have difficulty relating to others and increase the risk of suffering from depression.
Identifying the signs that we do not love each other as we should can help us improve the way we relate to ourselves (internal dialogue) and to others. Identifying these signs can also help us find a way out of states of sadness, despair or even take the reins of the situation in hand if we feel down.
"The worst loneliness is not feeling good about yourself."
-Mark Twain-
Not loving each other
Questioning what others say or do for us
An indicator of low self-esteem, which often underlies the negative thoughts we have about ourselves, is to question the feelings, words and actions that other people address to us. What others do, say or feel for us causes us uncertainty.
It is clear that we all enjoy feeling loved and understood. However, people with low self-esteem tend to over-value what others say or do and systematically question it. They think that no one loves or appreciates them, they wallow in criticism and, even worse, they think that there is something suspicious behind the positive words or appreciation.
All this depends on an extremely coherent unconscious thought: How can another person love me more than I do? How can another person respect me more than I respect me? How can another person be kinder to me than I am?
Always be on the defensive
Always being on the defensive is another clear sign that you don't love yourself as much as you should. Insecurity and a lack of self-confidence keep us in a constant state of unjustified alert. This raises our stress levels and doesn't allow us to be objective about what's going on around us.
This being on the defensive does not allow us to clearly understand what people are saying or asking of us, and it makes us feel insecure about their judgments about us. It also generates a state of fear and sadness that does not allow us to enjoy what surrounds us. Being defensive, it is easy for our attitude towards others to become rude, unpleasant or tense, if not downright violent.
To this we add that one always expects the worst, ending up having excessive or inappropriate reactions. Usually this generates conflicts which, in the worst case, lead to the realization of our most feared fears, reconfirming our point of view.
Avoid conflicts by pretending that everything is fine
It can also happen that you try to avoid a conflict by pretending that everything is fine. This means that instead of defending something that is right, that suits us, that interests us, sometimes we prefer to give it up to avoid problems.
The problem is that this lack of self-esteem and self-love does not give us the strength to defend what is ours or what interests us. Conversely, it will be easy for us to start a discussion about useless or futile things.
The fear that others will get angry or do without us because we defend our opinion or claim what is ours, leads us to accept what they tell us or give our assent to please them. This increases the feeling that our opinion does not matter or that what we want does not interest anyone.
Compare yourself with everyone, even when there is nothing to compare
The habit of making comparisons with everyone is another clear sign of not loving each other. Comparing oneself with others would not be negative in itself, the problem is that people who do not love themselves exaggerate in doing so, especially in areas where they excel less.
Not only. A person who does not love himself makes comparisons even when there is absolutely nothing to compare and revels in the negative outcome. It follows a collapse of self-esteem and feelings such as envy, the feeling of abandonment or even being victims of injustice. This condition further erodes self-love.
Consider your successes a matter of luck
It is true that many of the things we achieve may be the result of a stroke of luck, at least in part. However, not everything is a matter of luck. Knowing how to take advantage of the opportunities is essential to transform a stroke of luck into a concrete goal.
Yet, if we don't love each other enough, we won't be able to recognize our worth in our achievements. Precisely for this reason we will not appreciate our skills or our efforts. Furthermore, we will not find others able to appreciate us and we will not understand the compliments they give us to congratulate or praise us. In a way, this tendency to blame luck for our successes makes us feel helpless and unmotivated, adrift.
We must believe in ourselves, not be a toxic element. Let's fall in love with us and everything around us will change.
