Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Few sources of suffering are as exhausting as the need to be loved, the obsessive hope of always receiving something, even if it is leftovers ... Who, first of all, tries to find someone who loves him and is willing to sacrifice everything, it is also who will be satisfied, who will seek affection in the wrong place.
It is a story that has always existed, we know. Perhaps we too have gone through it, we have overcome it and we have left it behind; but it is clear and evident that there are few phrases that we hear so often in our daily life, whether you are at dinner with friends, at a consultation from a psychologist or in the subway car at 8 in the morning, such as the infamous and classic "... but I just want to be loved!"
It must be said, however, that it is of little use to respond to this person with the now more than resentful: "There will always be someone who loves you: that someone is you", because it is useless, because not everyone is capable of loving themselves when the void is too great and the need presses, blinds and exasperates. Because the lack is stronger and carries more weight than the patience to sit with the person reflected in the mirror to talk to her and convince her that nothing makes sense if there is no self-love.
We could say that it is undoubtedly one of the biggest unfinished business from a psychological and emotional point of view, to show many people, especially teenagers, that love cannot come from need. "I love you because I need you" is rooted in fear itself and this is neither right nor healthy. Because positive love is the very expression of freedom, personal fulfillment and well-being.
We all want to be loved, but needing them takes away our freedom
We all know the theory but, in our daily life, we get lost. We all know that needing to be loved prevents our personal growth, which makes us prisoners of the wrong people, of those to whom we cling hoping that they are our lifeline, that they give meaning to every emptiness that characterizes our heart and ours. feelings.
Why do these behaviors become chronic? Why, even if it is clear, are there those who continue to feed their need to be loved? These would be some of the reasons.
- Who has an obsessive need to be loved in general, it does not have a reference model on which to base itself and on which to rely. It is common that the family dynamics in which the person in need of affection grew up were based on a wrong model and style of affection. The person was educated in a type of love that, far from increasing strengths and self-esteem, has generated serious deficiencies.
- People who need more love are satisfied with very little. This leads them to accept whatever happens to them, without evaluating it, without putting filters. They will forcefully fit into this relationship, like a square puzzle piece trying to fit into a triangular hole. They will, in turn, be willing to do almost anything to be worthy, to receive affection, attention, and consideration… However, by failing to achieve this, their voids will grow larger and their need to be loved will intensify.
- They live in constant contradiction. This fact is very conspicuous, as well as being destructive for the person suffering from it. Just like we said, we all know that the obsessive and constant need to be loved and recognized is not healthy. However, there are those who cannot avoid it, there are those with a broken heart and dignity under their feet fall back into a new relationship of the same type, shape and color because it is the only one they know, because it continues to predominate so the need to receive what he lacks from the outside is excessive, instead of nourishing himself from within.
Stop needing to be loved
We all have important "needs" or aspirations: a good job, a bigger house and maybe a little more luck in life in general ... However, they are light, insignificant and anecdotal "needs" that only rarely occasions become addictive or acquire depth. We are aware that our daily life would be a little better if these aspirations were fulfilled, but we are not obsessed: we see them more as desires than needs.
A good idea in this sense would be to use the terms correctly and decide to live with greater integrity, in accordance with them. Instead of needing to be loved, we just need to want to be loved. Let's start using other verbs and other approaches. At the same time, let us leave behind the obsession related to "finding" a love to "let" love find us.
Let it be fate, chance or life itself that draws us closer to this special person as we continue to take care of our inner garden. Seeking or finding some pleasure in this solitude, without clinging to an impossible ideal, without putting an empty bowl in front of others, hoping to be fed with what they want to offer us.
Let's take care of our self-love by feeding the shares of recognition and affection that we should feel towards ourselves. Those that, when understood and recognized, prevent us from mistreating ourselves or letting others do it, prevent us from having to abandon our dignity in order to feel loved.
Image courtesy of Amanda Cass
