Why is it so difficult for some to trust others? Why are some people afraid of starting a relationship or making friends? We explain it to you in this article.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
For some people, not being able to trust others anymore, therefore not being able to start new relationships, is a fact. In the loneliness of their mind, they retrace their lives realizing that they have not built any bonds for a long time.
Each of us moves at different speeds in terms of trust in others. There are those who develop an almost instant attachment, those who offer and place everything in the other: confidences, complicity and hopes. Others, on the other hand, are more prudent, dose affection and concessions based on the weight of reciprocity and a well-considered instinct.
On the contrary, there are also those who need much more time, but also those who admit that they can no longer trust others. More and more people in therapy say they are unable to establish new emotional relationships. Even those who claim to be better off without friends are aware of the fact that the absence of solid social bonds generates some shortcomings, a certain sadness.
It is a complex subject that is worth reflecting on. After all, we are a hyper-connected society, we live in a world where it is theoretically easier to find new friends or partners; yet, the quality of these bonds is not always satisfying or generates happiness.
Not being able to trust others anymore: why does this happen?
Living without being able to trust produces a poor quality of life. This phrase may seem too blunt, but in itself it defines a sufficiently real existential plot. Trust is undoubtedly a driving force in the human being; a dimension that goes well beyond the relational context.
We need, for example, to trust that when we leave the house no one will harm us, that the elevator we take will not fail and that everything will go smoothly when driving our car.
The opposite of trust is distrust, and fear is an integral component of the latter. People living under the weight of disappointments, past hurts and fear of being betrayed again not only harbor sadness and frustration, but fear as well. And that makes their life less pleasant, less satisfying.
To understand why a person can no longer trust others, it is appropriate to reflect on the aspects that we describe below.
Pisantrophobia, not being able to trust others because you are afraid
We know that nowadays we have a label for almost every behavior. Naming specific behaviors or fears does not necessarily make them clinical categories as such. It happens, for example, with the following definition.
Pisantrophobia is the irrational fear of establishing emotional relationships. However, this phobia does not appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as an official clinical picture.
This is because, often, behind this reality there are stories of traumas, deep disappointments and unsolved experiences that affect the present. And this is the real problem to be faced. It is not enough to stop at the surface of the definition “I suffer from pisantrophobia”; the key, the purpose, is to understand why. Below we describe some triggers.
The quality of the bonds during our childhood
The bond with parents is the first relationship based on trust that we establish in our life. If, from an early age, essential aspects such as well-being, safety or emotional validation are missing, the problems begin.
When the main attachment figures are absent or distort the concept of love and care, a primal sense of distrust develops.
Not being able to trust others anymore? When focusing on losses
Throughout life, we accumulate numerous experiences thanks to the relationships we establish along our path. Some are positive and some are not. The latter, however, often have a greater impact on our emotional and psychological fabric: they break us, discourage us, disappoint us.
This suffering is all the more intense the more intimate the bond has been: a friendship, a love affair or a close relative. Finding out we're not as appreciated as we imagined or that betrayal and lies are part of the relationship can change us. We become more suspicious, resentful and even cold.
Focusing our attention only on the people who have hurt us has a very high price. That is to make your own the dangerous idea that you shouldn't trust others, that the best thing is to protect yourself.
What to do if you no longer trust others?
When betrayal is experienced firsthand, it is not easy to continue to trust. It is, however, about a wound that we must heal to regain some of the lost happiness. It is necessary to grant new opportunities to oneself and to others. It is never healthy to live in resentment.
Logically, if we no longer trust people it is because of our experiences, but it is not good to live projected into the past, on what is behind us. Life flows before us, in the here and now.
Having trust means giving yourself new opportunities to be happy, and to do so, it is appropriate to reflect on the following steps:
- Heal past wounds. To establish quality relationships it is essential to feel good about yourself, to have good self-esteem. A bad relationship in the past cannot affect the opportunity to enjoy a quality bond in the present.
- Lower your expectations that are too high. Don't expect absolute devotion or perfect complicity after a few days. Accept that we are all imperfect.
- Don't measure what you do by expecting exactly the same treatment in return. Rather, demand sincerity and authenticity.
- Move step by step, probe the people around you, slowly open up and let others open up to you. Establish the pace that makes you feel most comfortable in the relationship, whether it is a friendship or a love relationship. If the other is trustworthy, he will respect your timing.
To conclude
Beyond what one might think, there are many people who feel the pain of disappointment. And many of them have stopped trusting others. Nobody deserves to wake up every day with such a weight in their heart. Trust means to live, let's try again.
