Not feeling up to your partner is more common than you think. Let's analyze the causes behind this idea.
Last update: July 15, 2022
Many people live their relationships plagued by an unpleasant and exhausting feeling: not feeling up to the partner. Few situations are as harmful to one's psychological well-being as harboring such an idea.
Those who see themselves at fault with respect to a loved one usually have the same vision in every area of ​​life. Work, friendships, personal aspirations… There are those who move as if they were an ugly duckling, without a hint of charisma, talent or virtue, they become the secondary actors of their own life; spectators without protagonism.
It is not healthy to live conditioned by this inner narrative. Ideas that, in reality, usually have very specific causes that are worth analyzing and understanding.
Sometimes many of the messages our parents sent us in childhood weave a constant perception of inferiority.
Not feeling up to the partner
As children we learn to love and also to mistrust others. During childhood, we can learn not to feel superior to others, but not inferior either.
Taking the journey of life with self-confidence and feeling useful is the best nutrient for being content and enjoying healthy self-esteem.
However, many people feel they are not up to par with their partner. “I feel like I'm not good enough for him / her. The truth is that I fear that at some point she will leave me ”. This results in uncertain and harmful bonds.
Those in which there is a constant fear of abandonment, jealousy intensifies, distorted thoughts and a thousand and one insecurities related to the relationship are fed.
We could say that the origin of such a scenario lies in low self-esteem. However, as we all know, this psychological construct is largely fueled by our interaction with the environment.
Even the figures that were (and are) part of our daily life can affect the vision we have of ourselves. We see what dimensions motivate the feeling of inferiority with respect to the loved one.
Narcissistic parents, children with a sense of inferiority
A research study from the University of Amsterdam describes the severe effects generated by paternal or maternal narcissism on children's self-esteem.
This educational model encourages children to please their parents and meet their needs while underestimating their own. All this has harmful consequences in the psychosocial development of the person.
Narcissistic parents do not offer security, healthy affection, or validation. This means growing up with significant emotional needs, the feeling of being useless and constantly at a disadvantage compared to others.
A long history of disappointments and failures in love
When not feeling up to your partner is a constant, you need to explore your emotional history. It is normal to carry around an emotional baggage full of disappointments, bad stories, disappointments and pieces of a heart that has suffered. All this can make us think that "there is something wrong" with us.
Repeated failures in affective matters can also affect self-image, leading the person to feel at fault. A set of ideas that shape a clearly harmful vision.
Not feeling up to the partner: lack of security and trust in the relationship
When the bond with your loved one is marked by doubts and fears, there is always a reason and it must be identified. The problem could be in us (low self-esteem, childhood trauma, unresolved past relationships, etc).
In other cases, however, the problem does not depend on us, but must be sought in a partner who is not dedicated to the relationship as it should:
- He may not offer adequate emotional support.
- Perhaps the relationship is one-way, where only the partner decides which direction the relationship should take.
- It makes you feel insecure, criticize and overly judge.
Sometimes we think that the problem lies in us believing that we are not up to the partner, but the truth is quite different.
Not feeling up to par with your partner and / or their family
The partner may be very attractive or have a good job. It is possible that his family, his friends and the places they frequent have specific characteristics that fascinate us. In light of this, one feels disadvantaged.
It is a common situation. Many people feel at fault with regards to beauty, professional successes, or their partner's idyllic and peaceful family.
The basis of this discomfort is low self-esteem and the belief that the other's positive traits are a disadvantage in oneself. It is clearly a problematic approach.
Vital or physical changes
Unemployment can be one of the factors that lead to not feeling good for your partner. Especially if it is a condition that has lasted for a long time.
Losing your job often causes a significant erosion of personal identity, to the point of developing negative feelings and perceptions about oneself.
This can go so far as not to consider yourself worthy of the affection and admiration of your loved one. On the other hand, factors such as weight gain or any other physical changes can also have a big impact. Self-confidence is lost, to the point of assuming that the partner has stopped or will stop wanting or loving us.
Find the root of the problem
No one can find happiness with a partner (or without) in the absence of self-esteem, when self-criticism is constant and one feels inferior in every aspect of life. It is necessary to go back to the root of the problem of this self-depreciation. To do this, do not hesitate to ask for specialized help.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps to increase self-esteem as it allows you to adopt a healthier mental approach. On the other hand, compassion-focused therapy is good for instilling confidence, self-acceptance, and self-efficacy.
