Last update: February 07, 2017
Sometimes I feel about to fall, to fall, but I think: I am stronger than all this, I have already overcome worse things in the past, my friend has a worse personal situation and is always optimistic ... However, the reality is a ' other, we are ideas directed by emotions.
For this reason, I sometimes accept being sick without giving this feeling a rational explanation. And I cry, I cry a lot, maybe the wounds heal with tears; or with ice cream; or with hugs. And, indeed, sometimes they do.
In other cases, however, nothing can calm this discomfort that I feel inside and I repeat to those who love me that it is not their fault and that they cannot do anything, just be close to me ... sometimes it is worth more than any other action. I feel frustrated and this makes me angry. Because we psychologists we are a kind of typographers who make maps on which others can find the path to happiness, which does not necessarily imply that we possess that of our personal happiness. As it is popularly said, “the shoemaker always runs with broken shoes”.
Has this ever happened to you?
What are meta-emotions?
Meta-emotion is an emotion that arises as a thank you for another emotion, such as when you feel guilty about being angry with a friend.
Do you really have reason to feel this way? If the answer is "no", congratulations, you don't need to keep reading if you don't want to. However, as is normal, most of us think so, otherwise it wouldn't be so bad. If that's your case and you want to know what to do about it, let's see how to identify and manage emotions of this type below.
It is normal for one emotion to arouse another. The real problem is not knowing how to identify and channel these meta-emotions if they start to interfere with our life and our usual way of acting. This is the case with many parents who feel guilty because they are happy.
What are we talking about? Families affected by the crisis have been called upon to survive rather than live and, therefore, it is absolutely necessary to carve out time for themselves, especially if there are children in the middle. What causes this malaise? That when the main supporters of this family enjoy a personal space in which to switch off (go to see the game with friends, have a coffee with colleagues ...) or a necessity (buy a coat, go to the hairdresser) , they omit it because “there are other priorities”. If they allow themselves this, however, they feel guilty for having enjoyed it. The same situation occurs when a family member is sick.
The personal catastrophe
It is good to learn that this experience was not a good one. We can call it "personal catastrophe". They are all those inevitable, highly negative and painful life events that change you. They change you, incredibly, for the better. It is true that sometimes life seems to test us and we ask ourselves the typical “what did I do to deserve this?”.
The worst part is that, many times, there is no answer. Nothing has been done to deserve it and, despite this, a family member falls ill, is fired or has a serious car accident. And we are no longer the same and we do not even know how to go forward with this "new I" and those around us notice us different. The pain is still there, but now as part of us. We have accepted it and we know that it will not go away, but at the same time we can see the positive side of it and we are fine for it.
They are natural disasters because we have not been able to prevent them, they have razed everything we knew to the ground and, now that they are already history, there is still a very clear imprint of the damage they have caused. We all have our own personal catastrophes and no one is immune, but we decide what to do on the day they arise.
In 2011, of the 365 days of that year, they only caused a crack in the lives of many people. Japan's tsunami left 15893 dead, 172 injured and 8405 missing. There were very different harsh reactions among the people who had this experience. On the one hand, those who fear and will fear the sea for the rest of their life; on the other hand, those who lived this episode as part of their own life experience.
Conclude cycles to move forward
Stop, breathe and think… life is full of cycles that we should complete and close. Nobody has a perfect life, everything passes. There's more: we need tough times to really understand how important it is to be on the highest point of the wave crest.
How can these cycles be completed? The answer to this question leads us to a book I read some time ago that had nothing to do with the typical self-help manual. The book gave advice on how to say goodbye to a person aware of being suffering from a terminal illness. It is possible to summarize the leave in question in four sentences: I'm sorry, I forgive you, I love you and thank you.
Free your emotions
Now you are wondering what to do with this information if you are not in a situation like the one just described. You can say these four sentences to the person or situation that won't let you go on. This means acknowledging our mistakes and those of others, but at the same time acknowledging the good that both have done, acknowledging how much you appreciate this person or smiling at this stage of your life and thanking them for allowing you to live that experience.
Forgiveness does not exempt, but allows us to leave what is anchoring us and it offers us the possibility to see ourselves or to see others as much more complex and rich entities. It doesn't harm you anymore, go ahead. The book is about a woman who forgives her father, who had abused her, on her deathbed.
We are human, we make mistakes and forgive life and ourselves for these moments or decisions that we are not proud of and incorporating them as part of our past, without feeling bad about it, represents one of the most beautiful challenges in the world. These are the people who make disasters a highlight of their life and personality. And they will come back. They will come back to look at the sea face to face and say "I'm still here".
Nobody can choose a personal catastrophe, but they can choose whether to escape from it or come out strengthened. Mine started a while ago and I wouldn't change anything that has happened since then and that led me to write to you.
