We often say "yes", but we actually want to say "no". It may sound contradictory, but many of us do. Because? Let's try to find out in this article.
Last update: October 19, 2020
Many of us have happened to say "yes", when in reality we wanted to say "no". But why do we do it? What happens to us? Are we unable to express our true wishes? In this article we will try to shed light on this paradox that hides various causes, all of which have a link with poor assertiveness.
Andrew Salter (1940) defined the concept of assertiveness as a personality trait. In particular, he called it "the expression of rights and personal feelings". In other words, assertiveness includes the ability to say no without feeling guilty.
From Salter's research one could draw the following conclusion: Circumstances influence the odds of being assertive. This does not prevent, however, a greater predisposition to assertiveness, but it is in any case possible to develop this ability.
Assertiveness includes defending our rights and needs, as well as the ability to express our wishes sincerely, without harming or hurting anyone, in a polite but energetic way. In the words of everyday language, it means not letting oneself be "trampled" without, however, losing one's head by reacting inappropriately.
Why are we assertive only on certain occasions or with certain people? What makes us unassertive, that is, makes us say "yes" when in reality we want to say "no"? Let's try to answer these questions.
Reluctantly accepting and lack of assertiveness: what is the marriage?
Saying "yes" while not wishing it is closely related to a lack of assertiveness. But what makes us not express what we really want in certain situations? Here are some reasons.
Poor assertiveness or complete lack of this ability
Some people find it easy to express their opinions and wishes with clarity and sincerity; when they don't want to do something, then, they simply say "no". On the other hand, those who do not enjoy this skill or have not developed it sufficiently will tend to accept it even if they do not want to.
We could say that this factor is the consequence of the dynamics that we will describe in the following paragraphs. Behind the lack of assertiveness, in fact, there are fears, insecurities and a lack of self-esteem.
Fear of what others will say or think
When we worry too much about the opinion of others, we tend to accept everything, even if we don't feel like it. In a sense, we fear being judged by expressing a different thought or even to appear bad, to receive criticism etc.
This can be changed by mainly working on one's self-esteem and improving one's ability to be oneself. The truth is that if we have good self-esteem, we will not pay attention to what others think or say. Don't forget that self-love will accompany us forever!
"There is not enough love capable of filling the emptiness of a person who does not love himself."
-Irene Orce-
Looking for acceptance
Who hasn't happened to accept situations they didn't like or didn't feel comfortable in just to get someone else's approval in return?
To some extent, the desire to be appreciated is natural: we want to feel accepted and loved because we are social beings. In other words, when we say "yes" to something we don't like, we are not only seeking the approval of others, but also their admiration.
The psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) was already talking about it when he tried to define human needs through his pyramid. Maslow speaks to us of two needs related to what has been said: the need for affiliation and recognition. We get the former through friendship and affection, and the latter through trust, self-recognition, etc.
But people who really love us accept us as we are. Plus, we know all too well that it's literally impossible to please everyone (and we don't even need it to feel good!). If we like ourselves, what else do we need?
"Being yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you different is the greatest achievement."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-
Fear of not knowing how to justify "no"
Many times we mistakenly believe that not knowing how to justify a "no" means that we should say "yes". Obviously this is not the case: there will be times when we don't know exactly why we don't like something in particular, and that doesn't mean we have to accept it. We have to listen to ourselves and, if we don't want to do something at a given moment, the ideal is to refuse the proposal.
Insecurities and fear of disappointment
Insecurity is another cause of low assertiveness. When we don't know what we want or don't accept ourselves at all, we are more likely to doubt everything.
On the other hand, when we are not sure of ourselves, a sense of guilt tends to appear after a "no". Will I have offended anyone? Will it hurt us if I say no? Thus we make the mistake of accepting by going against ourselves, all only for fear of disappointing others.
A brief reflection on lack of assertiveness
There are several reasons for the contradiction set out at the beginning of this article. It is evident that we tend to please others by accepting proposals that do not appeal to us when we do not esteem ourselves or do not feel strong enough.
It is important to know yourself and find your own way, since only in this way can we be assertive and freely express our opinions.
Self-knowledge leaves little room for doubt! And this process, unfortunately or fortunately, lasts a lifetime. Trace your path, open your eyes and you will see that little by little you will be able to say "yes" only when you really want to.
