Assertiveness can help us manage family reunions successfully. We must learn to set limits, to avoid discussions that disturb harmony and to enjoy family warmth.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Practicing assertiveness is, at times, the key to surviving family reunions. The reason? Often at Christmas, Easter, important lunches or other events, a series of dynamics intervene that can make us lose patience and inner balance. A family is, after all, a complex tribe whose members have different ideas and in which harmony does not always reign.
As they say, everyone has the right to think outside the box. What matters is respect and coexistence. Unfortunately, this does not always happen, indeed it gets complicated during the holidays, just when we forget the work problems for a moment and get ready to see relatives again.
There are those who travel long (or short) distances to get to this appointment that has long been marked on the calendar. Sometimes, let's face it, anxiety assails us because we will find that cousin who loves to dismantle our ideologies, piece by piece; because we will see our father from whom we have always felt judged or the aunt who will ask us when to get married, when to graduate, when to have the first child.
It's about moving from our comfort zone to a minefield. It is not always easy. It may not be an idyllic and magical reunion, but survival is possible. And not only come out unscathed, but also proud of the way we handled it. Here are the main rules.
Strategies for practicing assertiveness in family reunions
Strategies for practicing assertiveness at family celebrations require training. It is not enough to read and understand them. To put them into practice, you need to add other basic ingredients: courage, the desire to change and self-confidence.
All this is not taken for granted. When the person in front of us is a family member, it is often difficult to communicate assertively. Our emotional part holds us back, we are afraid of offending and we often choose the path of silence or letting go. This attitude is not adequate: everything we let go ends up weighing on our self-esteem and bruising it.
Being present, connected to our emotions, being direct
The overriding goal of a family reunion is to feel good, share quality time and have fun in harmony. It is possible that some variables (people) are causing you to deviate from your good intentions. What you can do is start with the following idea: whatever happens, I want to be fine and I don't want to lose my temper with anyone.
This attitude requires a condition: to be present. Therefore, it is not worth looking at your smartphone continuously or turning your head away while we hope that time passes quickly. Being centered on the here and now helps us keep in touch with our emotions. To deal with any event that potentially threatens our quiet, the best choice is to be direct. How?
- Don't be afraid to speak for yourself and express your will. “I don't feel like talking about this. We are celebrating and it is not the time ”.
- If you get the feeling that someone wants to start an unpleasant discussion, stop them assertively right away. “This is an argument that puts us at odds. We are not here to discuss, but to spend these hours in good company ”.
- If you sense that a critical or problematic situation is about to be created, try to dissolve it immediately, for the good of all. Do you remember the initial purpose? Be comfortable together.
You don't have to answer questions
When practicing assertiveness in family gatherings, remember a very simple rule: you are not obliged to answer questions that make you uncomfortable or that concern your intimate sphere. No relative, however close, has this authority.
So if you don't want to talk about a topic, don't. This can be done with assertiveness, respect and calm.
How to practice assertiveness with table discussion specialists
Some relatives seem to have graduated in the art of useless discussion, of unpleasant answers, of contradicting for the sake of it. In this case we have two options: ignore them or go down to the arena. To be assertive in this context as well, remember:
- Often those who love to give against, to argue for the sake of it, start from a position of attack in order to impose their opinion and belittle the other.. Disassemble it like this: “I understand your point of view and respect it, but continuing to talk about it seems like a waste of time. I have my ideas and you have yours, we talk about more pleasant things instead of arguing.
- Discussion specialists usually prefer to contradict rather than provide solid (and logical) arguments. In this case, a good strategy can be to ask them many questions. Using calm, good humor and determination, sooner or later we will see them contradict themselves.
Our well-being above all
To successfully survive a family reunion, when the very thought causes us discomfort or anxiety, we need to mentally prepare ourselves. We need to convince ourselves that it will be pleasant and, to do so, set our limits. Better then to work on the following points:
- Before the event, make it clear to yourself which situations you do not intend to tolerate.
- Visualize these limits and determine that this will be your safety territory. Knowing what things and circumstances you do not intend to accept will give you a feeling of calm and comfort.
Ultimately, if we commit to using assertiveness in family reunions, the situation will change dramatically. Not only will we come out of any discussion or disagreement unscathed, but we will have gained experience and will be able to apply the same strategies in any other context.
