Last update: December 16, 2015
The mother is the first great love in the life of all human beings. A love that is born naturally and which we do not give up, even if she is not there or despite the fact that her presence can be harmful, and even dangerous, for a child. There is always an invisible thread that, in one way or another, unites us to her.
The psychoanalyst Judith Viorst tells of a terrible case in one of her books: a three-year-old boy on whom alcohol was poured and who, even if it seems unthinkable, was set on fire by his own mother. Once he reached the intensive care unit, the little boy wanted only one thing: his mother to come and hug him. That's how strong this primitive bond is. In any case, we love our mother. At the beginning of our life we ​​prefer any suffering, rather than suffering the pain of not having it next to us.
"The mother's heart is the child's classroom"
-Henry Ward Beecher-
Love for our mother survives into adulthood, even if we go our own way, even if we achieve enormous success, even if we become very rich or if we are admired for our endeavors. Deep down there, there is always a part of that child who doesn't want to live without his mother.
The difficult mother
When we are children, we think our mother is a perfect being. All we need from him is for him to be there. And if it's not there, we think maybe it's our fault. However, moms are not those complete and perfect beings that we idealize when we are little. We are not always welcome in their life.
Mothers get depressed too, they too have their own problems. And even if most of them want to give us the best, sometimes it's not possible for them. Sometimes they give up or have a not very healthy idea of ​​what a child's well-being should be.
Many mothers are not there when their children need them. They have to, or want to, work outside the home and it is possible that they barely have time to play their maternal role poorly. Other women feel a conscious or unconscious rejection of motherhood. Despite this, they take on the role of mother, but they can't do it well. It is then that the children turn into the white of their non-conformity.
These are mothers who cannot see anything good in their children. They are never obedient enough, nor capable enough to make them happy, even if they are the best students or the best athletes. It doesn't matter, they never live up to the mother's expectations.
The refusal towards the children, at times, also takes unsuspected forms. This is the case of anxious mothers, who always think that the child will fall to the ground, that the adolescent will become a drug addict, that the daughter will make an irremediable mistake. In those cases, rejection comes in the form of extreme control. They think that educating their children is about showing them that the world is a place full of dangers and that their job is to show them its threatening side.
Early and late reconciliations
During childhood, we practically lack the emotional capacity to question our mother. She is at the root of everything, on the horizon of everything, and maybe we don't like some of her behaviors, but we feel that it is not legitimate to criticize her. Things change with the arrival of adolescence. In general, this stage is much more difficult for someone who has had to struggle with a difficult mother.
Adolescence is a period of transition in which we compare the child we have been and the adult we want to be. It is then when it is essential to question what we have received at home, to forge our own identity. IS in the period of adolescence, question marks and questions about our parents appear for the first time. It's time for big breakups with parents.
If before we did not allow ourselves to criticize our mother, now she becomes the object of most of our dissatisfactions. She would like us to continue to be the child she knows, while we need to fly. Adolescence may therefore be the beginning of the great separation from those beloved figures, but it is also a period in which it is possible to put many loose threads in order.
A mother who realizes she hasn't done a good job can take advantage of the adolescent period to remedy many of their mistakes. Teens have a deep need for parents, far more than they are willing to admit. Having a company filled with love, patience, and intelligence at this stage can remedy many of the mistakes made during childhood growth.
Conflicts sometimes come to the surface in a raw and hard way, but this is an opportunity to channel them and find a solution. The boys are now able to understand that their mother is a person with limits and the mother can finally admit them. Sometimes it is impossible to prevent large barriers from rising. These are those cases in which children can understand their parents only when they become parents themselves.
That's when they discover that it's impossible to be perfect, textbook parents and they realize that error is the basis of many human realities, that a mother who fails is not a bad mother, but an imperfect person, as everyone is.
In any case, there is an indisputable truth: all affective relationships are marked by the bond one has had with one's mother, the first love.
The healthier this relationship, the healthier the others will be. IS it is never late to review that bond, to forgive and to apologize, to give the green light to that love that has always been there and, thus, clear the way to a more rewarding life.
Images courtesy of Emma Block, Claudia Tremblay, Gustav Klimt
