Sacrifices in love sometimes push us to create an emotional debt: if I have given up certain things for you, now you have the obligation to do the same for me ...
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Sacrifices in love are only good if they are right. In a couple relationship, continual sacrifices do not make love greater or more romantic, quite the opposite. Continuous renunciations consume and erode, they distance us from ourselves, until we become different people. In an emotional relationship, commitment is more important than sacrifices.
If we don't complain, someone is likely to enjoy beating us up because they think they don't hurt us. This same idea applies to emotional bonds. Sacrifices for love are normal and perfectly understandable in a given.
However, no one can overlook the fact that any sacrifice has a price. Any renunciation hurts. Any change in the last hour is unfortunate. Any deviation of meaning on the path of our life is not easy for the other person and it burns, sometimes it weighs and even hurts, but we do it with the heart because we are committed to the same project.
If the partner doesn't appreciate or aren't aware of this emotional (and personal) cost that involves a sacrifice, then we are down the wrong path. Trust will slowly oxidize until, sooner or later, resentments emerge. The ghosts of every renunciation made will hurt because every piece of us, which we have thrown along the path, never returns, is lost forever.
Self-denial without borders in couple relationships is unhealthy. To give up, to give up, to give up today, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow is a sad way of annihilating one's self-esteem and of giving shape to a substitute for love, painful and indigestible.
"If nothing saves us from death, let at least love save us from life."
-Pablo Neruda-
Sacrifices in love: where is the limit?
It is often said that great loves, like great successes, require sacrifice. Nobody has any reason to deny it. If we went out on the street today and asked this question, there would be many people who could tell us more about a renouncement made for the partner. Renunciations that have made their lives take a new direction and that, without a doubt, have been worthwhile because, now, they are living a full and happy present.
However, there are sacrifices in love that are not admissible. Still too many people think that the greater the renunciation, the more authentic and romantic the relationship will be. In these cases, it is as if love were some kind of ancient atavistic deity to be worshiped, an entity to self-sacrifice for.
It is necessary to understand that not everything is allowed, not everything is valid. In affective matters, one must not sacrifice oneself, because sacrifices in love must not be synonymous with self-denial. Just as it is not appropriate to light a bonfire in which to launch one's values, one's identity and the heart of one's self-esteem. there limits, contingency barriers that need to be known.
Willingness to sacrifice is better than continued sacrifice
Psychologists Van Lange, Paul AM, Rusbult and Caryl E, Drigotas conducted an interesting study that was published in the Journal of personality and social psychology. In it, they showed that one of the variables that most determined the couple's commitment, stability and happiness was the willingness to sacrifice.
- A person does not need their partner to give up all the time or always give in to them. What is really important is to know that he will be able to do it in the presence of a timely and extraordinary circumstance.
- Knowing that we can count on this unconditional and absolute support in times of need, is what really gives us security and satisfaction.
Sacrifices in love and emotional debts
We all know that love takes commitment. We understand that sometimes we are obliged to make some sacrifices in order for the relationship to have a future, for it to consolidate just as we wish. It is therefore a means to an end, where the gains exceed the losses and in which we move with confidence and freedom, because it will help both of us to grow as a couple.
Sometimes, however, the sacrifice in love can become a debt. There are even those who use it as a license for emotional extortion: "After all I've done for you, you can't even give up on this now", "After all the things I left behind to be with you , now you come out with such a selfish attitude ”.
This aspect is a detail that we cannot leave out, however dark its essence is. Because there are those who intend love in absolute terms and, of course, extremes: I give you everything, but you too must give me everything. These are the situations in which we feel obliged to sacrifice our identity to make our ego a us and thus lose any glimmer of dignity.
Sacrifices in love must be sensible, limited and justified. Because in affective matters there is no reason to abandon ourselves. There is no reason to cancel what we are worth and what defines us.
We can do a lot for our loved one, even make some sacrifices. However, there are some impassable barriers, such as yield in front of a blackmail or become someone we are not.
