Last update: April 14, 2020
Even today I woke up and sadness has come to say good morning to me. Sometimes I don't know if it's anxiety, disappointment or amazement about what's going on around me. I don't know, but sometimes I just feel sad. Hosting these sensations and letting them stir inside of me is sometimes considered a crime in a society that imposes happiness as an imperative of life (and of consumption to obtain it).
However, I understand that there is something beyond sadness. MYSELF, the one who supports it. There is ME, the person able to know if what I feel takes possession of my person, of my consciousness of being, being able to want.
Ma I won't let sadness take over me. I will not do what my anguish tells me, because she lives thanks to me, therefore it cannot be stronger than me. I will continue to fight, even though she is in my guts, in my temples… Sometimes I will listen to her, if she has something to tell me, other times I will simply ignore her. But I will always decide.
I feel sad and this is me too
They are not a game won a priori. They are a chessboard in which black and white pawns coexist. Temporary sensations, which I occasionally host, as if they guide my steps and dictate everything I do; even if my identity always prevails. Curiously, it is these feelings of sadness that teach me something. I gather in my solitude, with the frigid and deafening silence. I listen to myself. Sometimes I need to feel this way to understand and grow.
I will not make any decisions in the name of sadness, but I will keep the teachings of this feeling for when I feel courageous. Sadness has taught me so many things, and so important that I don't want to eliminate it or make it disappear.
I want it to arise in me. While I live, I want to host it as a feeling in its own right. I don't want to fake it, rape it. I don't want coups for my feelings. They are all valid because they are born from me and feed on me. I am important to them, I am the protagonist of their existence and thanks to them I exist.
I observe what happens, what germinates from them, from this sadness ... If I stand up or fall. In the end, I no longer see myself as an ordinary person. It is the moment of greatest connection with my inner self.
When I experience sadness as something natural, creativity comes out of my pockets, my shoes, my looks, my sighs. The greater the pain, the greater I am because, for the first time, it is the feeling and not the expectations that sustain me.
Sadness will not stop me from fighting for my values
My creeds are my compass. The rest is just the shape I find during the landscape. On the way I will meet people who will confuse kindness with naivety, sincerity with impertinence and sadness with weakness. None of this will prevent me from achieving my goals, which in turn are a reflection of my values.
“I feel good and I am happy; but in the happiest moments of my life I must always have a motive for sadness, I cannot avoid it. "
-Fedor Dostoevsky-
Every day I will take a step forward to reach them. Some days my sadness will almost prevent me from touching the ground with my feet. Others will seem like a light walk to me. Sometimes, too fast and too wild a ride.
However, one day I realized that sometimes, in the purest joy, the arrival of a certain sadness amplifies life, it takes root that give me the impetus to wet them, heal them and make them grow. And from there, the most beautiful gardens to cultivate arise.
