Attachment styles and emotional memory are directly linked. When the main attachment figure is traumatic or neglected, our present can be disturbed by painful memories.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
There is a special link between attachment styles and emotional memory. It is known that people with an anxious attachment style often focus on the most painful memories, on their own wounds. They are not so able to overcome the anger or the sense of abandonment caused by reference figures who have not been able to satisfy their emotional needs.
John Bowlby's attachment theory is still very popular today. Thanks to it we have understood human behavior much better. But also personality styles and, above all, the quality - low or high - of our interpersonal relationships. However, not enough is said about the link between attachment styles and emotional memory.
If we stop to think, much of who we are right now depends on our past experiences. The past and family relationships or with other close people have forged a large part of our personality. Whether we like it or not, we are like little boats sailing through the waves of emotional memory.
Being able to count on a past full of good memories makes our journey freer. It gives us the impulse to improve in those aspects that are most important to us and with confidence. In reverse, a past marked by pain, coldness or absence is like a slab. It prevents us from going further because our gaze is always focused on that little island of memories where frustration, suffering and unresolved issues grow.
“I'm not talking about revenge or forgiveness. Oblivion is the only revenge and the only forgiveness. "
– J. L. Borges –
Attachment styles and emotional memory: types and characteristics
How many of us are tyrannized by memories! The past shapes us, no doubt, but we should never allow suffering to make us eternal prisoners. Victims of yesterday who do not even fully live the present.
Attachment styles and emotional memory have a direct link: the quality of the former largely determines our psychological well-being. According to a study conducted by the University of California Department of Psychology and Social Behavior:
The different types of attachment can even affect the quality of our memory. In some cases we may even suffer from gaps and loss of memories. In others, we live focused on a series of frames from the past.
Secure attachment
In secure attachment, the child knows that his parents will provide him with what he needs. He is confident because he feels them accessible and knows that when he needs to, he will be heard. Also typical of this attachment style is the feeling of being able to explore the world with confidence.
Such an experience gives a wealth of happy experiences. It is the substrate that shapes an emotional memory that nourishes and edifies; the child will give way to a mature, independent and self-confident adult, able to freely create his own future.
Anxious attachment style
The child soon learns not to rely on his parents. When he needs something, he knows these reference figures won't always be available. Sometimes they will show affection, but in other circumstances they will be cold and aloof.
They are parents who oscillate between periods of abandonment, distraction and moments of severity and control. This generates an ambivalent situation that causes the child to be in a state of constant anxiety and insecurity. He has little or no control over events and doesn't know what to expect. He lives in a state of uncertainty that he doesn't know how to handle.
In this case, the link between attachment style and emotional memory leads the adult to focus on specific past events. For example, he will remember situations from his past where he needed help or support and did not receive it; moments when he felt alone, scared.
Consequently, an "attachment" is created to these unresolved or painful situations, which feeds more anger and frustration. These are emotions that tend to block us, which is why it is difficult to get rid of any painful memories or experiences.
The avoidant attachment style
With avoidant attachment the child internalizes, albeit unconsciously, that his need for attention will be satisfied with indifference if not contempt. Once an adult, he will try to become an emotionally self-reliant person.
- To avoid being hurt again or suffering, chooses to develop emotional detachment which will characterize most of his future relationships.
- The cited study warns that in these cases, gaps, unconnected or fragmented memories may appear. Many childhood episodes are forgotten or remembered in an imprecise and hazy way.
- Interestingly, people with an avoidant attachment style in their love relationships also exhibit memory impairment. Probably, forgetting facilitates emotional detachment with the people around them. A brain defense mechanism could be hypothesized aimed at reducing the intensity of suffering.
In conclusion
Attachment styles and emotional memory are closely linked. The quality of our early relationships determines the quality of our emotional life.
If behind the door of our present there is a past of traumatic experiences, it is necessary to cross it to resolve and heal that universe. We learn to free ourselves from the tyranny of painful emotions that are etched in our memory.
