Last update: May 11, 2015
In couple relationships there are many factors that determine the good functioning or the failure of the same.
For a relationship to be solidly established, it must have a good foundation, strong pillars to turn to when problems of differences arise. And of course, all people are different; for this reason, the way in which we solve problems makes the difference, it is the fundamental factor that distinguishes a successful couple from one destined to become extinct.
E come ben dice Gottman, the problem is not the conflicts, since they are common and inevitable, but the mechanisms that are activated when they arise.
He assures that couples who end up separating are those who cling to negative emotions, which lead to a self-destructive spiral, which consists in the use of harmful and ineffective communication mechanisms to resolve or accept the situations they live.
These mechanisms are referred to by Gottman as the “4 predictive knights of separation” and are the ones we are going to talk about below.
1. Defensive
It is a defensive attitude we take when we feel attacked. This attitude denies the responsibility of the fight and, therefore, does not bring positive changes or lessons to change the situation.
Furthermore, the defensive attitude provokes an attack as a response to what one perceives, which can be a threat, a judgment, a reproach ...
By this we mean that being on the defensive often implies a disrespectful attitude towards the other, since the other is considered to be the responsible person who started the offensive.
With the famous phrase "the best defense is attack", we begin a battle in which the solution to the dispute is far away, as we focus more on defending and attacking than on taking responsibility and seeking a solution.
2. Indifference
Being indifferent is a negative attitude to resolve quarrels, since it causes us to distance ourselves and move away from the arguments of the other, as if the problem or the solution to this did not interest us.
It is a negative strategy because you are moving away from the solution again, since being indifferent and "washing your hands" does not solve the problem.
It is a silent attitude, a passive bodily expression, inexpressiveness, evasion, laconic response, which make us close in on ourselves, putting us in a position above the problem and the couple, as if the quarrel did not involve us.
We are indifferent when we ignore the problem and the other, as if we don't care.
3. Destructive criticism
Criticism is destructive when it turns into a judgment against the other person and not towards one's own actions.
This criticism breaks down and attacks the other, without respecting his person. It is a disrespectful form of expressing disagreement or being angry at something the other does, judging the actions of him and the person himself.
They get confused and use terms like “if you act like this you are”, and this emotional judgment is very destructive, because it accuses, reproaches and condemns.
4. Contempt
It is an aggressive attitude and disrespect, which is expressed directly towards the partner.
It presupposes gestures, words, insults, threats, insults, mockery and humiliations that imply an attitude of superiority on the part of those who despise.
The despised person feels inferior and annihilated as a person. It is as if someone were passing over him, to crush and permanently damage that little bit of ego that had remained intact.
