Last update: April 16, 2016
“Two close friends go on a hike. Evening falls and the two companions lie down to sleep under a tree, one next to the other. One of the two dreams that they took a boat together and were shipwrecked on an island. When his friend tells him he hasn't had the same dream, he can't believe it. Impossible! Thus, he gets angry with his friend and denies the fact that he may have had a different dream from him. "
Intolerance, ego, pride, misunderstanding, lack of empathy are the natural barriers that take us away from happy moments and from the states of tranquility and inner peace.
"Beating the enemy is a victory, beating yourself is an even greater victory"
(José de San Martin)
How long are we willing to put up with an unpleasant situation? Do we know how to live and face others and, above all, ourselves? Do we really check the balance of pros and cons?
The inability to manage stressful situations in which we find ourselves tangled and from which we cannot get out or do not want to solve, steals from us hours, weeks and even years, which we could instead spend pleasantly with our family, with friends or with ours. company. And all this only because "we want to be right".
Is it so important to be right?
The feeling of victory is a very powerful drug that we can become attached to when fueled by pride and ego. But what is the price to pay to keep it?
Being right, do we gain or lose ourselves? The satisfaction that invades us when we are right should be compatible with tranquility, brotherhood, understanding, affection, friendship and support.
Cinema and literature abound with stories in which it is seen that remaining rigid and blinded by one's positions leads to misfortune and unhappiness. However, it is evident that we have not learned much until now. We reflect and express our opinions about what the people around us should do, we say they should give up, but we never practice by example.
“There is a wide range of emotional skills - the ability to calm down (and soothe one's partner), empathy, knowing how to listen - that foster a couple's ability to resolve disagreements effectively. The development of these skills makes possible the existence of healthy discussions, of positive quarrels that contribute to the maturation of the marriage and that eliminate at the root the negative elements of the relationship, which usually lead to disjunction. "
(Daniel Goleman)
Beyond the reasons
At the root of an annoying attitude on the part of a person who wants to obtain consent in a discussion is:
- The need to sharpen his ego
- The need to assert his self-esteem
- Fear of other people's positions or of losing power and control
Apart from rare cases where there is overwhelming evidence that does not allow for debate, the norm is that no one is master of absolute truth.
This idea takes place within us when our attitude is one of temperance; however, it sometimes fails when we compare ourselves to others.
What does the tightening of one's position lead to?
Anger, fear, frustration and anger. When we see that a situation is not resolved as we would like, a series of mechanisms are activated that release negative emotions, which weaken our reasoning ability and consume our inner energy.
When we get stiff in a position, we lose energy and, above all, time. Time that we could spend in having fun in a natural and spontaneous way.
“Really strong and happy people hardly ever fight. They do not waste their precious time or their magnificent energy in this. They are focused on enjoying their projects and their life. And the best thing is that the rantings and screams of anger don't move them in the slightest! "
(Rafael Santandreu)
Reprimands, attempts at manipulation, demands, teasing, emotional addictions, etc. We must be ready to identify all of these things when we are in a conflict situation.
It is good to identify these attitudes not only in others, but also in us, in order not to be carried away by the emotions just mentioned and not to implement behaviors that we would not be proud of at all in normal, quiet situations.
How to get out of the quagmire?
We can ask ourselves questions to help us embark on the path of flexibility:
- "How do I feel in such a situation?" Finding the right words to describe how we feel allows us to order our thoughts and helps us eliminate the noise that can obscure our reasoning ability.
- "Does the other person know how I feel?" This goes beyond emotion-driven discussions and beyond “why are you like this and I am like that”.
- "Do I know how the other person feels?" Sometimes, we resort to the interpretation of other people's thoughts. This manifests itself in phrases such as "surely he thinks that ...".
- “How did the conflict start? What did I want to achieve? And what did the other person want to achieve? "
The next step is find alternatives within the conflict, in order to resolve it and to know how flexible we can be, to give in and abandon the idea of ​​affirming our position.
Do this as sincerely as possible, there is no point in pretending to be flexible. Otherwise, sooner or later the knots will come to a head and you will end up in another quarrel, enhanced by the first, in which the language may be different, but the content will be the same. You will maintain the same attitude of inability to negotiate and you will label the person in front of you as a bitter enemy.
Think about the time you can waste in such situations and give them the attention they deserve. You certainly have a lot to gain if you avoid saying "I told you so".
