Last update: Augusts 02, 2020
Nobody dares to admit it out loud, but it often happens: the happiness of others does not make us rejoice. This other person can be the partner, a childhood friend, or even a child. It matters little, all human bonds are susceptible to these feelings.
When we really love someone, their pains should be ours and so should their joys. This in theory, according to the principle of "politically correct".
In practice, however, it does not always occur; indeed it is common not to feel joy for the happiness of others. We would always like to be mature enough to be able to rejoice in the successes of others, but sometimes the opposite happens.
Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.
-François de La Rochefoucald-
Most of the time we are unable to admit it out loud. We just give lukewarm congratulations, while we feel that something inside us is moving. Or we even go so far as to try to minimize the goal that the other has achieved, putting in front of a "but" or a "attention, maybe it's not what you expect".
Deep down we know that its success causes us a certain frustration. What happen? How can we handle the situation?
What to do when other people's happiness hurts?
Sometimes we can feel tremendous happiness in the successes of others. It is a wonderful feeling that makes us bigger and that strengthens the relationship. Why, then, does this cumbersome shadow that is envy make its way on other occasions?
First of all, we are all human beings and, therefore, no one is immune from feelings, positive or negative. Feelings are not the privilege of a few. Some more, some less, we all try them. There is therefore no need to be proud of it, but there is also no reason to be blamed because you feel envy for a loved one.
When the happiness of others hurts us, it means that we are not comfortable with ourselves. We may have struggled to achieve similar success to the other person, but she did and we did. We value it, but we can't help it from reminding us of our dissatisfaction.
Unintentionally, we compare his happiness to our sadness and see a kind of injustice in it. It is something we feel, even though we are convinced that it cannot be so.
"The other" is not a mirror
All of this happens when we see the other person as a reflection of ourselves. In other words, when we compare her path to ours, as if they were the same. That is to say, when we put aside the context in which success occurred and focus only on the result achieved. A result we would have liked for us.
The key is to broaden this perspective. Don't just focus on what the other person has been able to accomplish without examining their efforts and the road that still needs to be done. It is a way to humanize the situation, identifying those elements that make us different.
When we see the other as if he were our mirror, we make a narcissistic projection on him. At this point our ego comes out hurt from the situation, and the happiness of others hurts.
But when we decide to look at the other person as an independent being, we come to understand their merit and rejoice in their successes.
Learn from situations to mature
Being envious of a loved one is quite normal. It doesn't make people bad or mean. However, we must avoid letting this feeling grow and feeding it with mistrust and resentment. It is useless, indeed it damages the bond with the other person, from which you could learn a lot.
It's time to grow up. There are things that we strongly desire without ever being able to get them. There are things that we desire and that we can only achieve after so much effort. And finally, there are also goals that we reach more easily than we think. The same happens to others too; what changes is that sometimes it happens at different times or not to the same extent.
When the happiness of others hurts us, we judge what is ours starting from the others. Really big mistake. The evolution of each of us is absolutely unique and has nothing to do with that of the others. They are two different realities, in different circumstances. The results obtained are therefore also different.
Envy is eliminated by identifying and accepting it. That is, generously acknowledging that the other person deserves what has been achieved and that love must impose itself on these petty things.
