Last update: 28 September, 2016
There are pains that mark us and leave us breathless, losses for which there are no words. You can be an orphan or a widower, but the death of a child it will bring you to the realization that nothing you say can ever truly describe what you feel, turning into a pain that has no name.
A pain that hurts deeply, because you have lost a part of you, part of the life you have built. Your life has partly lost its meaning, e it left room for guilt and reproaches - I should have left first, I wasn't able to protect him ...
Although in these cases feeling a sense of discomfort is the most normal thing, the tendency to take the blame is nothing other than the product of self-reproaches with which one tries to punish oneself to still be alive, when children should outlive their parents.
“Don't pity the dead, Harry. Feel pity for the living, and especially for those who live without love. "
-J. K. Rowling-
It wasn't your fault
The internal voice of our conscience becomes particularly intense in moments of pain. That Jiminy Cricket that usually helps us distinguish right from wrong can become a source of torment when it's there to remind us of a past that could have been, but wasn't. It leads us to blame ourselves for something that is usually beyond our control.
We obsess with reproaches such as: "If only I had woken up earlier", "If only I had noticed in time that he was sick", "If only I had acted differently" ... But the truth is that even if you changed any of these variables, the result would not have changed. Death comes unexpectedly, and trying to make sense of it is totally irrational.
Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish between guilt and responsibility. If the sense of guilt settles along with the pain, it prevents you from overcoming it and moving forward. Guilt does not follow a logic, it annihilates us completely. We are no longer able to understand what happened or to overcome it without feeling responsible.
And while understanding is the first step in accepting pain, there are times when it is impossible to make sense of all the “whys” of a loss, simply because there is no answer: things just happen.
“… Do you really believe that the people we have loved ever leave us completely? Don't you think we remember them more clearly than ever in moments of great difficulty? "
-J. K. Rowling-
Coping with guilt during bereavement
The sense of guilt is one of the feelings that most hinder the path of mourning. However, there are several indications that you can follow to be able to overcome the pain.
- Talk about your pain. Talk to trusted family and friends, don't let a loss turn into a taboo topic. Accepting past events is important, knowing the point of view of others can help overcome the sense of guilt.
- Accept your feelings. It is normal for an endless list of other emotions to surface with pain, from sadness to a sense of suffocation. Accept them all, live them, but do not be duped by them.
- Don't put your life aside. During bereavement, it happens to feel bad enough to put aside their daily routine, giving themselves more time to look for the reasons and why of the loss. Don't stop taking care of yourself and the people you love, they need you too.
- Remember the loved one's life that you have lost. Your son is not defined only from the moment he is gone. Remember the love between you and the happy moments spent together. This is the best tribute you can give him.
- If necessary, ask for the support of a specialist. While many of those living in such a situation do not need it, we are not all the same. Asking for help can help you overcome the emotions that are overwhelming you.
