Last update: April 18, 2017
When distrust becomes part of a relationship, it is very difficult to recover lost feelings. Suspicion can easily become obsession. If it occurs between friends, distancing is relatively easy. But what if this situation arises in a couple? If we have doubts with our partner, they are likely to feel impeached. He may feel fear or take offense. So how should we react?
The formula of trust has many variables that we have not yet precisely calibrated. Sometimes we deposit a feeling of total calm in a person we have just met. Other times, however, our colleague with whom we have now shared six years in the office, continues to convey a feeling of uncertainty. Distrust, at first glance, appears to be the simplest path to proceed, or at least the safest one.
If we chose people at random and asked them what trust and distrust are, we would surely find more points in common regarding the first term than the second. Wary of the unknown would be the right thing to do if we followed our survival instinct. Trust is difficult. The ingredients involved to manage are many and vary according to the emotions, the intensity, the situation and the people around us.
The time of distrust
Voluntarily choosing to trust someone requires effort, it is a conscious act. It is a bet we make with ourselves as we put aside the feeling of control. We put our emotions and our behavior in the hands of another person. For this reason, it is easy to break this balance and it is also very difficult to recover it, because the ingredients have many possibilities to "go crazy", as in mayonnaise.
“Hate and distrust are children of blindness”.
(William Watson)
Considering all the relationship problems, the most complex is probably the mistrust of the couple. If a friend or family member betrays our trust, we feel bad and the desire to distance ourselves arises in us; we begin to avoid intimacy until we reach an emotional distance with that person. Once the spiral of thoughts and feelings of distrust begins it is difficult to get out of it.
It is inevitable to think that people always do things for a certain reason. Sometimes our way of thinking is conditioned by so-called "cognitive distortions", among which we find the conjecture of thought, the conjecture of the future and generalization.
In other words, when we believe that someone has betrayed our trust, we attribute a motive to that person (a motive that tends to be negative). Also, we make a future prediction that this person will repeat what happened. If he did it once, why shouldn't it happen again?
Depending on the seriousness of the dishonest act suffered, we react in a more or less extreme way and, eventually, the wheel of mistrust begins to turn. Let's start avoiding that person, to move away from it and distance ourselves from it. We enter a dynamic that drags us to the end of the relationship, unless we try to consciously restrain it, a task that is not at all easy.
The virus in the couple
Unlike other relationships (family or friendship ones), as a couple we cannot choose this option. There is an emotional coexistence in which feelings do not follow models or rules. Furthermore, there are opposing forces that push us in opposite directions: love and distrust.
Once we start to distrust our partner, a kind of cold war begins. We do things secretly and suspicions arise. Surely now you are thinking that talking about mistrust in the couple leads directly to the theme of infidelity, well nothing could be more false. Distrust can be part of our routine. We can trust the couple in many ways: in the family sense, in the working sense, etc. And it can go wrong.
"Which loneliness is more solitary than mistrust?"
(George Elliot)
Suspicion tends to become obsession. The shared space is invaded by mines hidden by the other person, who denies that he is sabotaging the relationship. Eventually, the spiral turns into a scolding path where we go from 0 to 100 in less than a minute.
Antidote or vaccination?
Communication is the key to everything. Distrust is a cryptic virus that penetrates the relationship between two people. He can remain still and silent and suddenly manifest himself causing everything to explode. Rebuilding these relationships is very complex. Once taken, the antidote is difficult to integrate with our emotions and feelings. There are components such as an overload of responsibility, the pursuit of perfectionism, guilt and doubts about how to resolve the situation. It is not an impossible mission, but it is certainly a very difficult journey.
"Your distrust disturbs me and your silence offends me".
(Miguel Unamuno)
Everything seems to indicate that the vaccine works better than the antidote. In other words, the ideal is to collaborate with your partner without neglecting the little things that ultimately affect us. Couples who have a shared grievance space are those with the highest chances of leading a healthy relationship. Although it may seem incredible, there is scientific evidence to support this thesis.
Mathematics Hanna Fry showed at a lecture a formula, in the form of an equation, that can help us understand why it is good not to overlook suspicions. The most important point of the equation is that the two members of the couple influence each other. For this influence to become evident, communication must be continuous. Couples with a brighter future in anticipation do not ignore the nonsense, but continually rebalance the relationship, often automatically or unconsciously.
Surprisingly, understanding and commitment are not the pillars of a couple. True, they are fundamental, but in the end, if we do not communicate in situations of distrust, these two elements will not be enough to keep our relationship going. The most important aspect is to take care of the common spaces of dialogue, paying attention to small daily problems, and of mutual influence.
