Each couple must support themselves on precise pillars to avoid falling into a toxic bond. We talk about it in this article.
Last update: July 12, 2022
A relationship is a complex scenario full of dynamics, encounters, disagreements, needs, desires and various fears that are often not recognized. Building the pillars of the couple requires exquisite industriousness on the part of both. A team effort in which will, efforts and motivations come together for the good of the relationship.
We all know that couple who, to our admiration, have been sharing the same project for almost half of their lives. As experts warn, in addition to the years, the quality of the relationship must be considered.
The secret, therefore, lies in the level of perceived satisfaction, in the capacity for growth and in a whole series of strategies developed to support the relationship and be happy.
Know the pillars of a happy, mature and aware couple will allow us to adopt an approach that is always useful and healthy for the relationship. After all, love, however intense and revealing it may seem to us, is not enough to alleviate the psychological anguish that occurs when we don't know how to solve a problem.
When one acts only taking into account one's own needs, when discrepancies appear and one does not know how to reach agreements.
Being emotionally autonomous does not mean giving up loving, but governing yourself.
-Walter Rice-
Why does a couple break up?
John Gottman is perhaps one of the best-known researchers and experts on divorce and marital instability. His studies have lasted for decades and his contribution in this field is very broad. In one of his works he explains that the difference between happy and unhappy couples lies in the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflicts.
Relationships often do not go as we would like because the pillars of the couple, aimed at offering stability and security, are lacking. The end, therefore, in many cases it is due to serious dynamics such as criticism, lack of empathy and communication.
We must work immediately on the pillars of the couple
The ideal is to establish the pillars of the couple from the beginning, just when you are getting to know each other. At that moment it is essential to dialogue, get to know each other and reach agreements that satisfy both.
These dimensions are equivalent to the wheels of a means of transport: if for any reason one mast fails, it is necessary to double check all of them, as stability is in danger.
It is common to carry on the relationship even in the absence of a pillar, with the resulting deterioration, up to the final break, very painful.
The 9 pillars of the couple
In the following lines we present 9 pillars of the couple, although they can be as many as each couple deems appropriate.
1. Love
Love is a fundamental pillar. For love to be a strong and secure pillar, it is good to know that during the different phases of the couple, this will vary in its manifestation. Even so, the sentiment will strengthen over time if the other pillars of the couple remain stable.
2. Communication
Communication is the channel through which the couple will resolve their differences and grow by making decisions and reaching agreements that are satisfactory for both.
It is advisable to establish exclusive moments to communicate, share and decide together, since this pillar is one of the most relevant.
Communicating means listen and express feelings, a fundamental exercise to really get to know each other and increase self-confidence.
The study carried out at the University of Georgia and published in the Journal of Marriage and Family explains that good communication is an indicator of happiness and stability in the couple.
3. Respect
Respect between the two members of the couple is present in relationships that last over time, which grow and thrive happily. Respecting the other is equivalent to growing together, in the absence of impositions, expectations, emotional dependence and aggression. When there is respect, there can be love and proper communication.
4. The pillars of the couple: sharing the same values
Each person has their own scale of values. When starting a relationship, you need to build a scale of common values, and it is necessary that many of them coincide. In particular, those that allow us to make relevant decisions to move in the same direction.
We cannot neglect this dimension. As a study carried out at the University of Canterbury in 2010 explains, everyone must defend and assume certain values ​​in order to be comfortable with themselves, be consistent and take care of their self-esteem. If the ona partner does not share our values ​​or boycott them, we will feel pain and unhappiness.
5. Knowing how to live together, knowing how to share
Every lasting couple reflects on the possibility of sharing their life. If at any given moment one of the two declares that he does not want it, it is better to make it clear to the other person, so that when the time comes, both of them feel safe in their own trajectory.
On the other hand, if not it is good to establish the different aspects such as economic agreements, coexistence, the distribution of domestic tasks, the organization of space and the house, etc.
6. The pillars of the couple: respect personal space, promote common growth
Having a relationship as a couple does not in any case mean ceasing to be yourself. Because of this it is advisable to clearly express opinions, ideas, individual values, social relations, etc.
The couple must be a safe place where spaces are respected, growth is encouraged, where one is part of a common project. Nonetheless, one must feel free to pursue one's personal goals.
7. Together, but free
In any healthy relationship there is personal freedom. You decide to keep the relationship of your own will, just as you decide together what will be the pillars of the couple.
We cannot forget that in every relationship there are three scenarios: that of the couple, that of the individual and of union: you, me, us and the relationship, where nothing oppresses, everything flows and advances thanks to understanding and respect.
8. Projects
The couple grows when dreams and projects are shared. One example is the decision to have a family. When you have common projects, the feeling of unity is strengthened.
Walking towards a project may not be easy, but it is very rewarding for the couple when the other pillars are solid and give security to the relationship. Commitment and responsibility do not take away freedombut they increase the personal worth to fight and then achieve what you want in life.
9. Loyalty
Fidelity is an agreement and one more way to live sexual and emotional relationships. It is only up to the couple to decide how to approach this pillar, an essential condition for a mutual agreement, which makes both feel safe.
Conclusions
The pillars of the couple represent those essential dimensions that we should all work on. Neglecting one would directly affect the others.
Likewise, we must remember that it would be useless for the whole task to fall on one person. A relationship is a team effort where both members matter, based on balance and looking in the same direction.
