In most cases, the end of a relationship corresponds to a period of bereavement. What are the different stages of the breakup?
Last update: October 02, 2022
Who has never suffered from the end of a relationship? In these cases we cross the phases of the breakup, very similar to those of mourning for the death of a loved one.
It is a question of six phases that do not necessarily appear, nor must they appear, in order. Often, in fact, we go through the same phase more than once, we proceed cyclically, forwards, backwards, etc; however, this is not a symptom of pathological mourning. Find out about the stages of the breakup and how to deal with them.
The stages of the rupture
According to an article by Horno (2018) for the XII Conference "Blas Taracena del Piñal", a breakup can be viewed as a bereavement or as a destructive emotional bond.
The article focuses on breakup as an experience of loss and pain. In pain, a series of stages are experienced, namely the six stages of the breakup.
According to Velasco et al. (2004), quoted in an article by Cáceres et al. (2009), pain is “the psychological process of adapting to a loss, since every loss causes an emotional wound, damage to the organism”. To overcome this pain and heal, he has to face specific steps that we see below.
1. Denial / shock
As in grieving the death of a loved one, the first stage of a breakup is typically shock or denial. Especially if you have been left behind.
In this first stage, the mind denies reality, usually unconsciously, because it hurts too much. Sometimes you even get the feeling that you are experiencing a nightmare from which you just want to wake up.
2. Awareness and first psychological impact
As the hours, days and weeks go by, one becomes more and more aware of the new reality. The other person no longer wants to continue the relationship… And you begin to become aware of what happened and to have to face the situation.
This is the phase of the first psychological impact, which can be accompanied by different emotions: anger, sadness, nostalgia, etc.
3. Mixed feelings
Among the stages of the breakup there is often the one associated with conflicting feelings. On the one hand, one feels the loss, one misses the other person, one is assailed by sadness and apathy.
On the other hand, there is anger towards the ex, but also relief because the relationship was stormy and eventually ended. Mixed feelings are very common in a breakup, but also in bereavement.
It is normal to feel these emotions, so don't be alarmed. With the passage of time and the progressive acceptance of the loss, these will lose intensity until they disappear.
As anticipated, this phase does not necessarily have to be in third place. It can also occur early in the breakup, for example.
4. Sleepless nights between the stages of the breakup
Sleepless nights are another phase of the breakup, although not everyone actually experiences it. Insomnia dominates: you wake up in the middle of the night or you can't sleep, but you tend to mull over everything.
At night, many unanswered questions about the breakup and the relationship in general appear, which is why it is easy to feel anguish. The good news is that, like all stages of the breakup, even sleepless nights will decrease over time until they disappear.
5. Recovery
Recovery is one of the last stages of the breakup. It is important to differentiate it from the acceptance phase, which we will explain in the next point.
Recovery implies an improvement in physical and mental conditions. After sleepless nights, distress and overwhelming anxiety in many cases, physical improvement occurs. You sleep better, the ruminant thoughts are disappearing, the appetite returns and in general you are better.
At this stage, a small light can be glimpsed at the end of the tunnel. However, psychological acceptance of the loss has not yet been achieved.
6. Acceptance between the stages of the rupture
Acceptance is the last of the stages of the break and implies acceptance of the new reality: accepting how things went and that they could not go otherwise.
It is about stopping feeling sad and starting to be aware of what you have learned during this painful but necessary experience.
Acceptance brings peace and calm, as well as gratitude for what has been lived; even if the latter emotion does not always appear.
In short: acceptance implies leaving this experience behind and feel that you have the energy (and desire) needed to focus on the present, the "here and now".
"Accepting what has happened is the first step to overcome the consequences of any misfortune".
-William James-
Conclusions
The stages of the breakup arouse different emotions which are experienced at different degrees. It is important to know that in the event of a loss (in this case of a love), it is logical, healthy and adaptive to experience a grieving process.
Fortunately, with time and in some cases with the help of psychotherapy, emotions lose intensity, you accept the loss and make it part of your life story.
"Pain is itself a medicine."
-William Cowper-
