Last update: February 18, 2022
After a night of sex with another person you don't know much about, you wake up with a weird feeling. We had a great time, and a lot, but there is something missing. We don't feel completely comfortable, we feel a feeling of emptiness. There are few particular gaps like this: you rarely feel a lack of intimacy as in this case.
This feeling is mostly due to the search for affection, we want to feel loved and we do it through sex, thinking that the intimacy of two naked bodies is the only possible one for the effort and time it takes to build it. , for the trauma it can leave if it is betrayed.
"I don't know the recipe to fight against lack of love, but I don't think stopping loving works"
(Enrique Hernandez Reina)
Sex without love exists
We often talk about sex and love, we confuse and mix them all the time. We can have a very pleasant sexual experience with someone without a loving relationship existing. Psychologist Silvia Olmedo argues that sexual desire can manifest itself even without love and without any other type of affection or emotion.
However, frequent sexual encounters, with all their implications in terms of desire, emotions, intimacy, and sex, can be the basis of a romantic relationship. It is not uncommon that after repeating this type of meeting several times, connection and complicity between the partners arise little by little.
Intimacy is much more than a night of passion
Intimus is a Latin word that indicates a concept similar to "deeper", "deeper". In other words, it refers to our inner world, the one we don't show to others. We keep our dreams, our fears, what gives us joy and what makes us ashamed, hidden. We hide all this because, if we entrusted it to the wrong person, we would expose ourselves to very deep wounds.
Coming into intimacy with another person involves showing your inner world and seeing that the other shows us his too. It implies complicity, a knowledge built over time, the curiosity to know who the other is, seduction. Intimacy is created by taking a walk, chatting at the bar, cooking a dish together, traveling, sending a message to know how the other is doing.
Sex is also a manifestation of intimacy, but it is not the only one. Intimacy, in general, whether within sex or not, requires a situation in which we feel safe and comfortable. A space where we feel ourselves and are not afraid.
"Intimacy between people is indulgence, tolerance, it is an enclosure in which personal safety is safeguarded".
(Theodor Adorno)
If you think about it, when you get to know a person, you don't know anything about them and, after a while, you realize that many things are not what you thought. They are different and sometimes better. Feel that you are different too, because you have opened your heart to this new person.
Intimacy is achieved when no words are needed. A glance is enough to understand what the other thinks. Intimacy is created when you forget to look at the clock and let the minutes and hours pass, when time slows down with each affectionate gesture.
Are we afraid of intimacy?
In today's society, everything goes too fast: when we know a person, we can already evaluate the possibility of a sexual encounter with her, without a condemnation of society as in the past. We may be afraid that the other will discover our secrets, we may be afraid of being rejected again, therefore, as soon as a little intimacy arises, we flee.
Intimacy arises when we are no longer afraid to show ourselves, we are no longer afraid that the other will notice our defects and show us his and this requires time and patience. It is not enough to take off our clothes, we also have to take off our armor; it is a process of getting to know each other that takes months and even years.
When there is intimacy between two people, sex improves because it turns into a display of desire, affection and love. Intimacy does not only invade the bed, but everything that hovers around the two partners, their daily life, their looks and their caresses.
The same thing happens with friends: when we know someone with similar interests, we feel a certain connection, we begin to share some things, to talk, to discover that person until, over time, a deep and sincere friendship is forged. .
Overcoming the fear of creating intimacy with someone means knowing how to manage this fear and being aware that we take a risk every time we show our soul and our heart. However, this risk is necessary to live, to know each other and to enjoy our existence.
"Intimacy is the act of connecting with someone so deeply that you feel you can touch their soul."
