Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
If there is one thing that life does not prepare us for, it is death. Our heart is used to inhaling breaths of energy, vitality, happy memories, but also some disappointments.
How to assume the emptiness, the absence, the non-company of those who have had a great significance in our days? It is something that we are not taught by anyone for, something that hardly anyone thinks will happen.
We are sure that nowadays you are dealing with more than one absence in your mind, with voids in your soul that you regret every day. Is there a correct way to assume the loss of a loved one?
The answer is no. Each of us, with our particularities, have strategies that are no more useful than others. However, there are some essential guidelines that we invite you to get to know with us.
We hope they will help you, because you have to remember that whoever leaves, never leaves us completely. It continues to exist in our memories, to sleep in our hearts.
Ways of saying goodbye in one's heart, ways of accepting absence
There are several types of losses. A long illness allows us, in some way, to prepare ourselves to say goodbye. Unfortunately, there are also unexpected losses, cruel and incomprehensible, so difficult to accept.
Few events like the death of a loved one awaken so much emotional suffering in us. We feel so overwhelmed that the most common thing is to be paralyzed. The world insists on moving forward, when for us everything has stopped abruptly.
It will not surprise you to know that losses are conceived as vital moments in which to include many other dimensions besides the emotional one. There is physical suffering, cognitive disorientation and even a crisis of values, especially if you follow a philosophy or a religion.
It fell to us and, therefore, we have to accept it and somehow "rebuild". This process, as you already know, involves a duel, which usually lasts a few months. Living it is necessary, we will never forget the loved one, but we will learn to live with the absence of him.
Let's now see the most common phases of the duel:
- Phase of denial: we are unable to accept what has happened. We fight against reality and deny it.
- Phase of anger and anger: it is very common to be angry with everyone and everything, we look for why, a reason why it happened to us. This is a normal reaction that can last a few days or weeks.
- Negotiation phase: this phase is vital to overcome the loss. After the misunderstanding, comes a small approach to reality. We agree to talk to other people and even ourselves. We see everything with a little more calm.
- Emotional pain phase: essential, cathartic and essential. Everyone will do it in their own way, there are those who will find relief in tears, others will seek solitude… It is necessary.
- Acceptance phase: after anger, after this first approach to reality and the subsequent emotional outburst, acceptance comes calmly.
Experiencing all stages of the duel is just as necessary as letting yourself be helped. Who does not accept, who does not free himself and does not learn to let go of the person, remains stranded in a pain that will prevent him from moving forward.
Accept non-permanence, learn to "let go"
We could talk about the need to be prepared for adversity, but it's actually much simpler: understand that we are not eternal, that life is a set of moments to be lived with intensity, because no one has a permanent stake in this world.
We also know that these words won't do much for many. There are unnatural losses, no parent should lose a child and no person should lose their partner, that part of their heart that gives life, strength and courage.
It is not easy, no one has warned us that life would present us with moments of pain. However, we are obliged to live, because this world is relentless, it flows quickly and almost breathlessly, it forces us to continue breathing and throbbing.
Do not have doubts: you have to do it. For those who are no longer there and for yourself, because living means honoring the people you have loved, taking them with you every day, smiling for them, walking for them. Open your heart and allow yourself to carry on, to shine for them.
Image courtesy of: Catrin Welz-Stein
