Last update: 14 September, 2022
You have certainly heard of emotional manipulation often. Of the different ways it manifests itself and the suffering it can cause to its victims. It is one of the behaviors that causes the most damage in its passage, especially due to its silent and lethal character.
The emotional manipulator has a detailed action plan in his head. He is aware of his prey's weaknesses and knows how to dismantle his defenses to get what he wants. To do this, he can even make the victim believe that she is the culprit, until she gives in and agrees to fulfill his demands of her.
Manipulators also get what they want by generating certain emotions in others, according to their interests. As we just said, the plan has already been established. And the executioner will have no qualms: he will use any means necessary to gain control over his victim, until his purpose is reached.
Cognitive dissonance: a frequent cause of emotional manipulation
You may have noticed that manipulative people use what is called "cognitive dissonance" in psychology. Cognitive dissonance refers to an internal conflict that occurs when two apparently incongruous thoughts coexist in our mind or when a given thought does not fit into our belief system or our behavioral habits.
This inner conflict, this tension that wears out the thought, often generates very peculiar consequences, which aim to put an end to that feeling of cognitive chaos in which we have entered without realizing it. A feeling of internal inconsistency that upsets us to the point of making us do anything to eliminate it.
We need to restore an objective congruence between what we feel and what we believe, between our beliefs and our behavior… between our thoughts and our actions. When we find ourselves at this crossroads, in order to get out alive, we are willing to let ourselves be led hand in hand by self-deception.
Self-deception is the quintessential subterfuge of cognitive dissonance
As we have explained, we would do everything to not have to constantly endure that unpleasant feeling that we feel growing inside us. We will therefore avoid becoming aware of all the information that feeds this dissonance, we will cover our eyes and ears in the face of anything that can further destabilize us.
The emotional manipulator knows how to behave in the presence of cognitive dissonance and deceives himself to achieve his goals. A clear example of this mechanism is the case of people who feel they are unable to end a relationship: they will do everything possible to reverse the situation and induce the partner to do so.
Luca wants to leave Elisa, because he has just met another girl with whom he has felt a particular understanding. Elisa, on the other hand, who knows nothing about it, she would never want to leave him, because she is in love with him. Faced with this situation, Luca will behave in such a way as to make Elisa feel that their relationship no longer makes sense, until she ends it. Later, he will make her feel the only one responsible for that breakup: “But if it was you who left me! I never wanted! ”.
The manipulator passes the blame to the other, freeing himself from all responsibility.
Overwhelmed by the difficult sensation produced by the confrontation between the person he would like to be, a faithful boyfriend, and the person he is at the moment, an unfaithful partner, Luca opts for emotional manipulation. In this way, it will be Elisa who resolves her situation by making her the only one responsible for her. Most likely Elisa will not really understand what is happening, because few would ever believe that their partner could act in this way. Furthermore, Luke's own behavior may not be fully aware.
Luca, in fact, cannot find the courage to end a relationship that does not make him happier and to admit that in reality he wants another woman. He cannot conceive of being the executioner, and for this his mind protects him, making him feel that in reality he is the victim. Since he does not accept this reality and is unable to take on his responsibilities, he ends up manipulating Elisa, pulling the rope until it breaks completely. And forgetting the suffering he is creating for the real victim of the situation.
If Elisa leaves him, she will no longer have to feel guilty for wanting to end the relationship because of another girl. Otherwise, it would be a behavior for which everyone would judge him and that sooner or later it could backfire. In this way, however, Luca manages to resolve his inner conflict and come out of the battle "with his head held high".
Emotional manipulation often arises from the cognitive chaos that we wish to drive out of our heads at any cost. The manipulator looks for an executioner, a culprit who makes him pass for a victim, which puts him in a position that justifies his thoughts and behaviors.
The other will be the culprit. He, after all, is just the poor unfortunate victim of the relationship.
