Last update: January 19, 2017
Walter Riso's latest book is entitled Ya te dije adiós, ahora cómo te olvido (I already said goodbye, now how do I forget you?). He published it in 2016 and, like all of his works, it was a great success. This famous psychologist has delved into many topics, but he had not yet dealt with love breakups. He said he was intrigued by this emotional emptiness, as many of his patients have a hard time ending and getting over a relationship.
What is certain is that many relationships today are ephemeral. But it is also true that many people live in a different situation: they remain attached for a long time to the bond they once had and which now no longer exists. Even their obsession can last for months or even years, they are completely addicted to what the ex does or does not do, they seek it with any excuse or simply deny it in their loneliness.
Walter Riso tells of one of his patients and how she swore she had forgotten her ex. However, she slept every night with a teddy bear that her ex-boyfriend had given her. Such a simple gesture did nothing but prolong the agony of the end of the relationship and precluded any opportunity to move forward in the love sphere..
The problem is hope, says Walter Riso
According to Walter Riso, the reason why many people struggle to forget an ex lies in a key word: "hope". Initially having hope is good because it pushes you to act and persevere, but in the case of love breakups, this great virtue can become the worst of enemies.
As long as there is hope, it is impossible to cut ties with a person or with the memory of someone who is no longer there. The pain of loss can alter the affective perceptions and it is then that we begin to interpret the facts according to the desire and not according to their real meaning.. Hope helps to keep these misperceptions alive and overestimate.
The point is that this hope can persist despite the fact that there is clear evidence of disinterest on the part of the ex. Basically, the fact is that loss is not accepted and not even admitted, so hope becomes the smokescreen for not facing reality.
Emotional oblivion in the perspective of Walter Riso
Walter Riso introduces the concept of "emotional oblivion" to differentiate it from "cognitive" oblivion. Emotional oblivion occurs when the memory of a person or situation no longer arouses intense feelings. On the other hand, cognitive oblivion is the impossibility of remembering how certain events occurred.
In order for a person to be able to permanently break up with an ex, they must resort to emotional oblivion. How? According to Walter Riso, the best way to do this is to break the chains of thought that preserve a link with the past. If something reminds us of that person, we need to break the bond. If we don't, connected thoughts and feelings are activated that always lead us to the same point: the impossibility of forgetting.
Currently, part of this process of emotional oblivion also involves deleting the ex from Facebook, WhatsApp or any other social network. These platforms were created precisely to keep up to date with the lives of others. And if the goal is to forget, nothing is worse than keeping all these doors open.
Dignity and post-traumatic growth
Walter Riso believes that dignity is an expression of respect for oneself. After a love breakup, preserving dignity is a crucial factor in being able to overcome the situation. Falling into the tunnel of supplication, humiliation and constant siege of the ex not only increases the inferiority complex, but is also a completely ineffective strategy.
If the ex has left you, but you keep insisting, just annoy him. Nobody appreciates those who do not appreciate themselves. It is hard to respect those who are unable to respect themselves. You can choose the most hidden strategies to chase your ex, but this person will always realize this and over time will make sure to distance themselves further and further.
Walter Riso states that the process follows this sequence: self-control, resignation and the generation of new goals and expectations. When you manage to stop the obsession, accept the loss and focus on finding new motivations, that's when your life will change and so will your feelings..
