Last update: 08 November 2017
Hardly any parent is willing to admit that they don't love their child. Still, it's something that happens a lot more often than it should. And it is enough to look at an unloved child to identify those indelible traces left by the lack of affection. There is a huge difference between a loved and accepted child and one who is not.
There are many reasons for this lack of affection. Among the main ones is the fact that the decision to have children did not come about as a result of a conscious desire on which enough reason was given. There was no place for this child in the parent's heart and it was not possible to create him.
When a child is neglected, he develops behaviors and expressions that show his bewilderment and discomfort. The child himself does not understand what happens to him, especially if he is very small. A child who is not loved perceives the world as a threat, he feels alone and would do anything to change things.
The situation becomes more complicated when the parents consciously refuse to admit their rejection of the child. In these cases they create a whole series of rational reasons to justify coldness or mistreatment. In summary, they argue that any aggression or indifference is for the good of the child. The child, therefore, feels confused, believes he is always behaving in the wrong way.
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
-Tom Robbins-
The guilt in an unloved child
There are mothers who tell their babies that they exasperate them or that they are "unbearable". Surely many of these mothers actually simply lost their patience, but it is also true that many others already had a high level of stress before starting to interface with the baby.
A similar thing happens even when requests are made to the child that he cannot grant, because they are too many or because they have been poorly exposed or because they require skills higher than those corresponding to his level of development. For example, the demand that he is constantly still, that he remains concentrated for a long time, that he sets the table as an adult would. In these cases it is the parents themselves, with their inability to evaluate, who create not only their own frustration, but also the child's sense of frustration and incompetence. Even worse.
An unloved child feels that almost everything he does annoys his parents, and that nothing he does is ever enough for them to finally accept him. Since he does not have the opportunity to evaluate this situation objectively, he ends up developing strong feelings of guilt. He will create a negative interpretation of him and develop a learned helplessness: he will feel that, regardless of what he does, the result will always be the same and, consequently, out of his control.
The traces of the lack of affection
When a child is unloved, his heart breaks. Failing to give shape or meaning to the suffering he experiences, he manifests it indirectly. He develops behaviors or ideas whose function is to let out the anguish and pain that live in him.
Here are some behaviors that reveal a child's lack of affection:
- Develop fears or phobias. Fear of the dark, of some objects or animals, of some situations. For the child they are uncontrollable.
- It becomes very impulsive. He cannot contain anger, crying, laughter or any other emotion. Her emotional expressions always have an exaggerated tone.
- It is unstable. Today he wants one thing, tomorrow another. I also change my attitude from one moment to the next. It is typical in all children, but in those who feel they are not loved it is particularly pronounced.
- Develop anxious behaviors, for example, cannot sit still and curious all the time, or any other type of repetitive behavior.
- It is hard to concentrate, to maintain attention. He also usually has school problems.
- Become invisible or try to do it. It is there, but it is as if it were not there. She tries to hide, to protect herself, to "not exist".
- He has little social ability. Feels uncomfortable or very impetuous around other children or adults.
An unloved child deprived of affection becomes very disheartened. It shows many signs of confusion and uneasiness. Sometimes he is very distracted, sometimes too much plastered and formal for his age. In general, he seems sad, servile and eager to receive confirmation.
Human beings need caresses, hugs and words of affection throughout their life. In the early years in particular, these displays of affection are the emotional nourishment necessary to grow: they are a basic necessity as much as eating or sleeping. No parent is perfect, but when you have a child there is no alternative, you have to work hard to make him feel loved and accepted in the family in which he will grow up.
