Last update: May 25, 2017
Jealousy is an emotion that arises as a result of the exaggerated desire to own something in an exclusive way. Typically, it refers to the possession of a loved one. The dictionary defines the term jealousy in this way: "A tormenting feeling caused by the fear, suspicion or certainty of losing a loved one to the work of others".
As you can see, with a loved one does not refer only to the partner or spouse. Attitudes of jealousy can also occur in other types of love, such as that of parents towards their children, as well as in relationships of friendship. Sometimes you can get jealous of some objects, not lending them to others because they are convinced they are destined for the exclusive pleasure of their owner, as if it were something intimate and personal.
When does jealousy first appear?
Jealousy can arise as early as childhood - children may present feelings of jealousy towards their siblings or other children. It is an attempt to direct all the affection of one or both parents towards oneself, in an exclusive way. Children don't want to share parental affection because they know it would mean having less for themselves.
Something similar can also happen to the parent himself. The father or mother, in fact, may be afraid of losing the affection of their child if the child becomes too attached to the other parent. Other times it simply happens that they desire, in a more or less conscious way, all the affection of the child for themselves, feeling jealous at the idea that he can also express love towards other people.
Jealousy refers to the tormenting feeling caused by the fear, suspicion or certainty of losing a loved one to the work of others.
During adolescence the phenomenon of jealousy between friends can occur. It is a phase of life populated by close friends, those with whom to share almost everything. The arrival of a new person in the group can be experienced as a danger that risks altering the balance of that relationship, which one does not want to expand or share.
Jealousy of the couple
The most common form of jealousy is that which occurs within a couple's relationships. In these cases, the exaggerated desire for possession and the self-centered need of any kind of jealousy is compounded by the need for a more or less agreed fidelity and the social discredit that can arise from infidelity.
Traditionally, it has always been thought that women are more jealous than men. Because of this, when it is the man who is jealous he tends to be viewed badly by society. The woman goes from being a "princess" to a "witch" in the eyes of the beloved.
In this sense, man may feel he has much more to lose in a hypothetical "jealousy challenge". This is why it is rare for a man to recognize that he is jealous. In any case, this phenomenon is changing, albeit slowly. We believe it is essential that gender stereotypes disappear once and for all.
Jealousy within a couple provides that the exaggerated desire for possession and self-centered need of any type of jealousy is compounded by the need for more or less agreed fidelity and the social discredit that can arise from infidelity.
Jealousy is overcome with communication and trust
The sphere of conjugal love is the most propitious one for the appearance of attitudes of jealousy. It is also common for such attitudes to lead to consequent manifestations of jealousy such as stalking or controlling the couple. This situation of constant distrust only generates a great emotional tension in the jealous person and in his partner. The latter feels harassed, controlled and questioned most of the time, often for no reason.
Communication and trust are two fundamental pillars in the life of a couple. Jealousy, questioning trust, ends up damaging the relationship enormously: lhe doubting person does not try to solve his doubts with direct questions, but by secretly investigating like a detective.
Excessive jealousy: when it turns into a disease
Various studies reveal that certain personality types are more likely to be jealous. This is the case with people who have traits of self-centeredness, distrust, insecurity, narcissism or hysteria. On the other hand, among the people who manifest attitudes of jealousy there are those who experience it in an intense and continuous way.
Pathological jealousy is therefore based on a feeling of obsessive jealousy (pathological thoughts are repeated over and over and are very intrusive) which manifests itself compulsively (accompanied by the need to collect evidence by checking the partner's phone or movements). In the most extreme cases the person can get delirious. Finally, jealousy is a disease in which the person rarely admits that he is ill.
There is a compulsive, excessive and pathological jealousy. This type of attitude can lead to psychotic problems.
In cases of pathological jealousy it is easy that, starting from a situation or a more or less certain indication of infidelity, the patient elaborates a real psychological plot without real foundations linked to the partner's infidelity. This can last a lifetime.
How to overcome pathological jealousy?
The first step to overcome pathological jealousy is acknowledging, as in many other cases, that you are sick. Without awareness of the disease, one is unlikely to seek help. Jealousy may be well founded, but in the most extreme cases this is often not the case.
A good idea is to write down all the situations in which you feel jealous on a sheet of paper, writing down your thoughts, how you act and what the consequences are.
The most likely thing is that behind jealousy there are distorted thoughts related to one's love affair and the behavior of the loved one. Once this information has been collected, it will be analyzed, looking for evidence that what is believed is real or the fruit of fantasy.
In cases of pathological jealousy the patient can elaborate a real psychological plot without real foundations linked to the partner's infidelity.
What should I not do if I am jealous?
Below we list a series of points to take as a reference:
- Don't check your partner's cell phone. Learn to respect the other person's privacy.
- Do not check your phone bill for calls made by your partner. If he wants to cheat on you, he will, whether you watch the calls made or not.
- Stop checking your last login on Whatsapp.
- Don't ask your partner's friends or colleagues questions for contradictions that confirm your assumptions.
- Don't expect the other person to feel bad and sad just to calm you down. "If he suffers, he means that he loves me". This way of thinking only harms the partner and goes against the future well-being of the couple.
- Do not allow your couple to isolate themselves from the rest of friends or family. This will only enhance the obsessiveness of the jealous and will not serve to dodge the jealousy.
- Finally, of course, trust your partner and stop worrying about possible "cheating". The more you smother your partner with the subject, the more jealous you will become, and the greater the chances of the relationship ending. At that point, it will be too late.
If after reading and applying these tips you continue to feel excessive jealousy, the best thing to do is contact a professional who can help you. As much as jealous people tend to be frowned upon, the truth is that they are people who suffer from a real disease. For this reason, if you know someone with this problem, don't be ashamed and ask for help.
