Last update: October 16, 2017
Emotional codependency presupposes a dependence on the other person's dependence, which can occur in couple and family relationships, for example between mother and daughter.
Regardless of the context, therefore, in codependent relationships, dependent people feel that they need the other person to live in the same way they need a heart. It is a psychological dependence in which the emotional part suffers from strong implications.
In this sense, codependency goes far beyond the simple desire to be by someone's side. It has to do with the thought that the other is fundamental or irreplaceable to feel good. Its presence is a necessary condition. It is a need that must be satisfied on any path to happiness, however particular and specific it may be.
Emotional dependence very often goes hand in hand with attitudes of jealousy, manipulation or possession of the loved one, which leads to the weariness of the latter, who ends up closing the relationship by fulfilling the irrational beliefs of the dependent person. It is equivalent to thinking "without you I am nothing".
In other cases, not only one member of the couple is linked to the other, both are dependent, but in different ways. This leads to the so-called emotional codependency. In a codependent relationship there is a dependent member, whose happiness depends on the presence of the partner. The other member, also dependent, but dependent on the partner.
Emotional codependency or altruism?
To explain this better, the addicted person needs his partner and the codependent person needs to protect, care for and care for his partner's well-being. It is true that making gestures of attention towards the partner is necessary to keep the relationship healthy, but only in a selfless way, for the sake of this person and not to feed an addiction.
The behaviors that result from emotional codependency have the sole effect of strengthening the dependence between the two people and filling internal gaps that were not adequately satisfied in childhood.
It is like watching over the partner's safety, over-protecting him or looking after him as if he didn't have the means to do it himself, somehow strengthened the codependent couple and the self-esteem of the person. This behavior also represents the water that quenches the employee's thirst, as the pieces of the puzzle fit together perfectly and frequently reinforce the addiction.
Thus a toxic vicious circle is created within the relationship: the happiness of one depends on the other and the happiness of the latter depends on the need to bond with the other. It may sound strange, but studies tell us that this is how some couples form or survive.
What is the final result of this dynamic? The codependent partner never experiences a healthy and satisfying relationship, because suffering and the feeling of emptiness become the protagonists of the relationship. In the less frequent case that the relationship continues over time, both parties find themselves enduring a very intense malaise, as they lose their very identity.
Symptoms and characteristics of emotional codependency
While the person giving protection to the other may seem strong, in reality they are not. In taking care of her partner she finds the only way to take care of her own self-esteem. If you want to know more specifically about the symptoms of emotional codependency, read on.
Self-esteem is conspicuous by its very absence
As already mentioned, codependent people usually enjoy low self-esteem, a gap that they try to fill with the feeling of being useful, as important to others, in this case their partner.
In many cases this deficiency arises from a model of anxious attachment with the main reference figures of childhood. Probably these people were only rewarded when they did something for these figures. And that's how they learned that their worth depended only on what they were able to do for others.
You try to control the other person
Since self-esteem depends on whether the other needs us, we tend to use manipulation and control as tools so that "the victim" does not flee. In other words, to feel important and useful it is necessary to maintain the addictive behaviors of the partner, which can only be assured by checking it.
Another common strategy for maintaining a partner's addiction is to undermine their self-esteem. Yes, make him feel incapable or useless, so that he needs someone to run to save him. And it is at this point that the other person appears, apparently in a disinterested way and sacrificing himself.
The partner's independence is feared
When a codependent realizes that the other person has taken a more independent initiative than usual, such as making a decision on their own, they panic and try to resolve the situation. It is not uncommon for them to drop out what he was doing to "help" the other person and maintain his role as protector.
The codependent is afraid that the partner will cope alone and realizes that in reality he does not need anyone's help or that other people can help him.
Obsession with the partner
In the head of a codependent person, the partner is under constant supervision. For this reason, she becomes obsessive, ends up losing herself and thinks that making life easier for her partner is the only mission through which to obtain well-being. If he makes a mistake in this sense, he hardly forgives him and is overwhelmed by frustration.
Excessive need for approval
The approval of others is a universal desire and in many cases a valid source of information for evaluating our actions. However, when our self-esteem is totally dependent on the judgments others can make about us, then we have a problem. Codependent people have a great need for approval which they try to hide. And who better than the dependent person can provide immediate approval?
Feeling responsible for the partner's emotions
Even though we know that other people's emotions don't belong to us, very often we feel responsible for how others feel. It's not strange, we were brought up this way. “Don't make dad angry”, “If you do, mom will be sad”.
However, in codependent people this thinking is much more marked: they believe that the other person is good or bad based on how they behaved. Thus, in many cases they end up taking on responsibilities that are not theirs or taking the blame for something that was never in their power.
Scolding the partner
They need to feel useful by helping their partner or another person who is addicted to them. However, when this person does something that contradicts them, they tend to blame her or scold her, so that she experiences negative feelings and changes her behavior. In this sense, expressions such as: “With everything I do for you, you pay me back in this way”, “You don't know how much I sacrifice for you”, “I left everything to make you happy”, etc. are common expressions.
Have you identified with any of these attitudes? As surprising as it may be, emotional codependency in a couple is much more common than one might think. If you have identified yourself, analyze the situation, give your self-esteem a chance and have the courage to live a healthy relationship.
