Last update: February 21, 2017
The role of the father has changed a lot over the years and nowadays it doesn't seem to be very defined. Once, the outlines of this figure were clear: it was the head of the family, the one who provided for the economic well-being of the family unit. He represented authority, but he rarely looked after children, and even more rarely with housework. Everything was in order and defined.
The last decade, however, has radically transformed the male figure and, consequently, the paternal one. Nevertheless there is a point where, earlier than now, fathers continue to feel deeply involved: the success of their children.
“Rule your house and you will know how much wood and rice cost; raise your children and you will know how much you owe your parents "
–Eastern proverb–
Previously, they were concerned with raising honest, hardworking people who were ready to become model citizens. Now, however, always following the same logic, some fathers have ended up becoming a kind of "manager" for their children. They not only want them to be great citizens, but they also hope they become the "best" at something. In sport, for example.
This is easily seen in the Sunday children's tournament stands. They are always there, encouraging and guiding their children to become the best. They pursue this mission with such intensity that they even end up distributing their affection for their children according to this goal. They are fathers who project their fantasies of success onto their children and who, at some point, stop being fathers to become “talented coaches”.
The direct and indirect pressure of the father
The masculine vision of success is much more demanding and limited than the feminine one. For this reason, for many fathers it is very difficult to tell the difference between raising a successful child and raising a happy child. For many of them, the first and the second are synonymous and, consequently, they focus their education on success, especially when it means having skills.
These fathers are desperate to feel proud of their children's achievements. Sometimes, they cannot distinguish their own wishes from those of their children. The children, on the other hand, try in every way to please their fathers by chasing their smile, an expression of satisfaction for when they get a medal, arrive first in a race, score a goal or get an excellent grade in mathematics.
That their father is proud of them makes them feel safer, and they undergo this logic of approval and reproach.
It may happen that if the child fails to reach those goals set by the father, the latter ends up expressing a feeling of indifference towards him. Sometimes it doesn't express it directly, other times it does. In both cases, he rarely hides his disappointment and often distances himself from that son who was unable to satisfy him.
The father who hasn't finished educating himself yet
Fathers who fall into these attitudes are actually children seeking revenge. It is possible that they have been victims of the same kind of education: so many expectations about them that perhaps they have not been able to meet. And if they have succeeded, they have been forced to great sacrifices and sufferings.
Their children remind them of the children they once were and, through them, they try to remedy their failures, all that at the time prevented them from being the “Totti” of the team, the prodigy of the class or the successful manager. They feel uncomfortable and therefore pass on that lack to their children. It is a mechanism that occurs unconsciously, and with the best of intentions. What they really hope is that the child will be better than them, that he will get a higher quality of life.
The problem with this equation is that one fundamental factor is excluded: genuine love. That love capable of respecting the phases of growth, times and mistakes. That love that accepts the other person for who he is, with all his baggage of successes, mistakes, triumphs and disasters.
The love of the "manager" father can be very deep, but it does not stop being selfish. This type of father is more concerned with himself and his happiness than with the actual well-being of his child. Before anything else, a father must know how to be a source of trust for his son, a figure capable of instilling in him a certainty: that, regardless of the circumstances, each person has an immense value that will be recognized both in successes. as in adversity.
